Limericks and such composed on my daily dog walks: verses 101-150
Note: Some of these verses lean left. If you lean right (which is completely cool, of course), you may not be totally happy with this site.
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101. My dog and I got caught in a sudden winter storm,with a whipping wind and a snow fall way above the norm.And my dog looked at me with a face that said, "Hey, Dad!This storm is really, really bad!Can’t we just go home where it's cozy and warm?"
102. Beans can play a very big roleescorting the stuff you eat the 30 feet down to your hole.They’ll keep inspecting the plumbingto make sure the stuff keeps right on a' comingby doing all sorts of traffic control.
103. Dear doctor, did you know you had really cold hands,the last time you inspected my testicular glands?If we need to do a repeater,could you warm 'em a bit on the heater,before you shove 'em again down my pants.
104. I would traverse the earth,or run around the sun,if I thought it would bestow equality upon everyone.I'd sail across Mars, aided by the stars,or balloon around the moon,if I thought that would get rid of all the world’s evil by June.But I think even if I would bike to Uranus and back,none of this is likely to happen, Jack ─none of this is likely to happen.
105. I said to her, so as to not further upset her,"I'm new at this, so I'm bound to get better.If you jot down your rules,and provide me with the appropriate tools,I'll be sure to follow what you want, right down to the letter."
106. I'm the camel who tried to go through the eye of the needle.But my humps wouldn't slide through, not matter how I did prod and wheedle.Damn, if only I hadn't waitedtill it got so fricking complicated.I shoulda tried it when I was still young, and slick, and fetal.
107. Sometimes, my dog's behavior is anything but mild.He's been known to outdo the hissy fits of any two-year old child.Today, when I said "No!," he barked and he cursed,and he swore, as a parent, I was the absolute worst!And when I pretended to cry, I'm pretty sure that he smiled.
108. In grade school, when I was sick of all the teasing and crap,and of being told it was my own fault for being a big sis and a sap,I'd steal home to my mother,and push aside my little brother,and try to find solace in the safety of her lap.
109. Among the worst memories of middle school are my being smeared with snot and a boogie,and of my being pants, and of being hit by a kid hocking a loogie.But the worst memory of all,is being chased by this bully named Paul, who, when I got caught,would give me the meanest titty twist, and a full-on, five-minute noogie.
110. Donald Trump limericks / verses
a. The day they threw Donald Trump in jail,you could hear half the country exhale.With only a bed and a shitter,and no access to X (formerly Twitter) —Ah, but this is all just a big, fat, fake, fairy tale.
b. If Trump were to croak, say, by choking on a slice of papaya,how long before his ilk would see it as a heavenly sign and run it by abiblical scholar who would then be given the imperativeto scour the Bible to come up with a plausible narrativeto prove that Trump's death was another example of a suffering messiah?
c. An interviewee was asked, "If Trump were a chicken,do you think he’d be finger linkin'?"She said, "As the ex-Commander in Chief,I’d be more inclined to ask, 'where is the beef'that keeps that little prick a-tickin'?"
d. The length and breadth of Trump's brainare so incalculable, it's quite literally insane.And his ability to thinkcan even make infinity shrink,or whatever it is the MAGA crowd always seems to be sayin'.
e. When she bent over to cut back the annuals,the way she’d learned to do from her gardening manuals,I accidently touched her rump,and she yelled out, "Did you just give me a trump?Who do you think I am? That girl, Stormy Daniels?” f. The last time I went to the dumpto try to drop of this MAGA-sized, plastic Trump,the guy at the gate said,"Hey, you got to wait.I think our dump is way too small for that MAGA-sized rump." g. Look at those christians walking hand in hand,led by the orange devil, heading to the "promised land."They swear they'll get there, I swear they won't.They've done too many things that the Lord said don't.They didn't turn their cheeks, they didn't help the poor.They didn't give up riches, instead they acquired more.They tried to crush their enemies and condemn their every foe,and do lots of things to which Jesus said, "No! No! No!"Now I'm not talking about all Christians, it’s clearly just the few,and you can easily tell which ones I mean by the hatred that they spew.If only they'd been honest when they read the Bible,they would surely have learned what they lack ─the knowledge that, these days, for the devil, orange is the new black.
h. The FBI came byto ask if I had spit Trump in the eye.I said only in a picturethat is a permanent fixtureon the car of a white evangelical guy.
So you’ve clearly attestedand have freely confessed it.You spit Trump in the eyeon the car of that white evangelical guy.Well, that’s enough to have you arrested.
I said, “You got to be kiddingAnd what about all those people who take a picture of Trump,put it in the toilet bowl before every dumpand use it for target practice while they’re shitting?
Look, we’re not in charge of what happens in a lavatory.That comes under the purview of FBI agent Lorry.But for what you’ve attested, consider yourself arrested.And that’s the end of this story. i. We are the land of the dumber than the dumb,marching to the alarum of the orange man's drum,speeding to a hell of our own making,with the home of the brave and the land of free soon to be shakingwith the carnage of a internecine war caused by this unholy scum.
b. If Trump were to croak, say, by choking on a slice of papaya,how long before his ilk would see it as a heavenly sign and run it by abiblical scholar who would then be given the imperativeto scour the Bible to come up with a plausible narrativeto prove that Trump's death was another example of a suffering messiah?
c. An interviewee was asked, "If Trump were a chicken,do you think he’d be finger linkin'?"She said, "As the ex-Commander in Chief,I’d be more inclined to ask, 'where is the beef'that keeps that little prick a-tickin'?"
d. The length and breadth of Trump's brainare so incalculable, it's quite literally insane.And his ability to thinkcan even make infinity shrink,or whatever it is the MAGA crowd always seems to be sayin'.
e. When she bent over to cut back the annuals,the way she’d learned to do from her gardening manuals,I accidently touched her rump,and she yelled out, "Did you just give me a trump?Who do you think I am? That girl, Stormy Daniels?” f. The last time I went to the dumpto try to drop of this MAGA-sized, plastic Trump,the guy at the gate said,"Hey, you got to wait.I think our dump is way too small for that MAGA-sized rump." g. Look at those christians walking hand in hand,led by the orange devil, heading to the "promised land."They swear they'll get there, I swear they won't.They've done too many things that the Lord said don't.They didn't turn their cheeks, they didn't help the poor.They didn't give up riches, instead they acquired more.They tried to crush their enemies and condemn their every foe,and do lots of things to which Jesus said, "No! No! No!"Now I'm not talking about all Christians, it’s clearly just the few,and you can easily tell which ones I mean by the hatred that they spew.If only they'd been honest when they read the Bible,they would surely have learned what they lack ─the knowledge that, these days, for the devil, orange is the new black.
h. The FBI came byto ask if I had spit Trump in the eye.I said only in a picturethat is a permanent fixtureon the car of a white evangelical guy.
So you’ve clearly attestedand have freely confessed it.You spit Trump in the eyeon the car of that white evangelical guy.Well, that’s enough to have you arrested.
I said, “You got to be kiddingAnd what about all those people who take a picture of Trump,put it in the toilet bowl before every dumpand use it for target practice while they’re shitting?
Look, we’re not in charge of what happens in a lavatory.That comes under the purview of FBI agent Lorry.But for what you’ve attested, consider yourself arrested.And that’s the end of this story. i. We are the land of the dumber than the dumb,marching to the alarum of the orange man's drum,speeding to a hell of our own making,with the home of the brave and the land of free soon to be shakingwith the carnage of a internecine war caused by this unholy scum.
111. Have you ever given your pillow a passionate hug and a kiss,pretending it was the sweet face of your new beau or new misswith whom you'd only just fallen in love, but with whom you hadn't had quite time enoughto dare attempt this heavenly bliss?
112. I once knew this woman name Myrtle who was as strong as the shell of a turtle.One day, when an intruder snuck in,she threw all her garments at him,and broke his neck by yanking the straps of her girdle.
113. Three times the mass of the sunwere the boobs of stripper, Priscilla the Hun.And when the adoring men yelled out for more,she'd shimmy and knock 'em all to the floor,first with the left, and then with the right one.
114. When I was a teen, my mom's friend used to say, "You oughtabecome better friends with my adorable eldest daughta."That always really put me on the spot,and all I could mutter was, "Ah, sure, why not?"even though I knew her 'adorable eldest daughter' looked a lot like a fricking otter.
115. Whenever I dare delve deeper inside of me,
to where the darkness is a little easier to see,
I can discern where they've been piling up,
those sleazy things I done from the time I was a callow pup,
and each time I see 'em, they seem a bit more vile to me.
116. Sorry, but I wanna go gentle into that good night.Of pain, I have a godawful fright.So, I'll opt for a quick, euthanistic squirt,so I'll feel only a little pin prick of hurt,as my eyes bid a gentle goodnight to the dying of the light.
117. You know what I wish for the most? ─that you and I could drive one more time up the California coast,listening to Emmylou Harris, Gram Parsons, and John Prine,with me holding your hand, and you holding mine,and not stopping, till we had safely passed the fault line.
118. When I think of past lovers who developed an aversion to me,I can only think of one — maybe two — maybe three.And I believe the cause of each one's irewas the same — my consistent and constant desirefor too much food, too much wine, and too much debauchery.
119. It's not like the angels will always be aroundeach time you fall with both knees to the ground.You're not their only concern,so just wait your goddamn turn,which, if you're lucky, may come during their next go-around.
120. Rumor has it that just before his big fall,Humpty Dumpty had been drinking in a tavern near the mall.So all the king's horses and all the kings menknew perfectly well Humpty Dumpty was gonna fall again,but unfortunately, it was something they just couldn't forestall.
121. This morning at a quarter past dawn,I got up and pulled my overalls back on.And I said to the manor’s lady,"Say hello to my Lord Brady,and I'll see you next time I come by to do the lawn.
122. When I tried to look a little deeper into where,by all accounts, there should've been a there,much to my surprisenothing there did catch my eyes.So I knew Gertrude was right — there was absolutely no there there.
123. Want some water, Lou?
And you, Tim? Buktu?
I love word games
that pun on names,
when you got absolutely nothing better to do.
124. Last night, I accidentally got locked up in the zoo.No big deal — there was really plenty to do.Dinner and a swim with a shark —a game of chase with hyenas around the park —and then a delicious nightcap with a talkative cockatoo.
125. I asked a poet, "What's your poem worth?"She said without thinking, "Twice the price of the earth."I said, "I'd give you one thin dime."She said, "Okay, I can make that rhyme.After all, this particular verse is exceedingly terse."
126. My dog's been in such a mood,that I actually thought about divorcing the dude.It all started with the new kibblethat he refuses to even nibble.And for days now, he's been acting all obstreperous and rude.
127. I said "Oh shit! Oh no! Oh Mama Mia!My dog had had a full-on bout of diarrhea.He'd squirted it everywhere,some under the table, some under a chair,but most of it in a box from Mama's Pizzeria.
128. "Oh, that was a real blast!",she decried when my erection didn't last."Oh, stop with your sarcasm!I tried for hours to get you to orgasm.No wonder my thingy's flying at half-mast.
129. When I was asked by a New Orleans waiter,"Can I recommend some freshly caught gator?"I said, "Are you for real?Didn’t you hear about that woman, Lucille?""And what if I can assure you this ain't the gator that ate her?"
130. I sometimes wonder who was therethe day Shakespeare finished writing King Lear.Was he home with his Annie?
Or was he drunk off his fannyin the tavern, stroking the dark lady's hair?
131. My muses limericks / verses
a. I'm sick and tired of the so-called muses,especially the one who always choosesto make it clear that I don't work hard enough.Yet, when I ask for a little help with my stuff,she's always the first one who flatly refuses.
b. My muse yelled, "Stop! That's prohibited."I said, "What?" "The behavior you just exhibited."I said, "What did I do?"She said, "You took lines that didn't belong to you."I said, "Shit, if you keep this up, you're gonna make me feel so fricking inhibited." c. Someone asked, "Could you write without a muse?"I said, "Probably could, but I'd refuse.Why? Because a muse is so good at showingwhat to tell the audience and what to keep it from knowingso that you can keep right on going with your wily, wild-ass ruse. d. I was having a hell of a timewith a poem that should never have been mine.The muse had made a big mistake,giving me lines that shoulda gone to this poet named Blake,of which I could make neither reason nor rhyme.
b. My muse yelled, "Stop! That's prohibited."I said, "What?" "The behavior you just exhibited."I said, "What did I do?"She said, "You took lines that didn't belong to you."I said, "Shit, if you keep this up, you're gonna make me feel so fricking inhibited." c. Someone asked, "Could you write without a muse?"I said, "Probably could, but I'd refuse.Why? Because a muse is so good at showingwhat to tell the audience and what to keep it from knowingso that you can keep right on going with your wily, wild-ass ruse. d. I was having a hell of a timewith a poem that should never have been mine.The muse had made a big mistake,giving me lines that shoulda gone to this poet named Blake,of which I could make neither reason nor rhyme.
132. Hickety, Dickedy, and Docwere staring at the classroom clock.Any when the clock struck one ─boom! they were gone ─to go vape in a shed round the block.
133. I think I'm in very deep shit.The issue is, to wit:when the exorcist tried to heal my soul,all he found was a very big holewith eggs about to hatch in it.
134. "What do you think of my pup?",I asked a cop as he was writing me up."Nice, from what I can see,but you shouldn't have let him pee,in this poor guy's donation cup."
135. When her green smoothie didn't go down any too smooth,and green slime from both nostrils did ooze,I said, "Holy moly!"That looks none too holy!"And then I help her wipe the ungodly ooze from her shoes.
136. When I find myself beginning to writeon a topic that is just too erudite,I quickly throw in the towel,with an unfeigned avowalthat frankly, I'm just not that bright.
137. On a sunny afternoon, listening to a Mozart serenade,we sat on her parent’s veranda, sipping spiked lemonade.And she pecked me lovingly on the nose,then kissed her way gradually down to my toes,then halfway back up, to the cooler parts in the shade.
138. When they kept questioning me on that fateful day,I kept repeating that I had absolutely nothing to say.They said, "But you're the only eyewitness."I said, Yeah, but I was scared shitless,and I was looking the other way."
139. Who says apples and oranges are nonsensical to compare?Neither is a rhomboid, a triangle, or a square.And let there be no confusion,either is liable to contusionif it’s not handled with the utmost care.
140. In the beginning, when Christ’s followers were of life being bereft,by opponents who, at killing with rocks, were pretty damn deft,if someone like Bob Dylan had intoned"Everybody must get stoned,"there might not have been any Christians left.
141. "Oh, Mother Dear," the young child tearfully said,"Why does that man who looks like a bear have to sleep in your bed?The moaning and groaning I constantly hear,fills me with such terror and fear!Please! Can't you just make him go sleep in the shed instead?"
142. King and Queen limericks / versesa. When the king first stood naked before his new bride,his disappointed was a little hard to hide.Had he paid all those rubiesfor these tiny little boobies?Squire! Get the horses ready! We're going for a ride!"
b. When the queen for the first time saw the king's little wiener,her face betrayed an instant change in her demeanor.She thought with a frown,“This is a big step down.I saw bigger dicks when I was a teener.”
c. The king and queen made it a point to stop byour cottage on their way to their palace nearby.They wanted to express their concernthat from the small salary we earn,they'd have to tax a little bit more,because inflation was running so high.
b. When the queen for the first time saw the king's little wiener,her face betrayed an instant change in her demeanor.She thought with a frown,“This is a big step down.I saw bigger dicks when I was a teener.”
c. The king and queen made it a point to stop byour cottage on their way to their palace nearby.They wanted to express their concernthat from the small salary we earn,they'd have to tax a little bit more,because inflation was running so high.
143. A difference between "this" and "that"is that "this" ends in "is" and "that" ends in "at."A word within a wordis more easily seen than heard, like, for example, the "chit," "chi," "hi," "hit," "it," "itch," "cha," "chat," "hat," and "at" in "chitchat."
144. In my mind, I've made love to many a frau.As a matter of fact, I'm making love to one now.And as she’s sitting at the bar grinning,she has no idea of her part in my sinning.But if she had, she might just say, "Oh, wow!"
145. You know you’re living with inconsiderate men
when you find your toilet seat piddled on again.I don't think men will ever learn to lift it up,until you urinate in their coffee cup.And when they say, “That tastes like piss!” say, “Amen!”
146. From Barcelona, she shipped me boots of Spanish leather,with a note that said, "So you might understand Bob Dylan better."And that's the last wordfrom her I ever heard,and sadly, we never listened to Bob Dylan again together.
147. I said to her lawyer,“No, I'm not a voyeur!Her blinds were totally up,and so I could clearly see her puplicking her in foyer.”
148. The noble lady was full of ire.Her drunken knight had pissed out the evening fire.So now she sought warmth by his horse,and had heated intercoursewith the knight’s dumpy squire.
149. I had an appointment with the man in the moon,but I must’ve left the saloon a little too soon.I looked left, I looked right —no damn moon in sight.Don’t tell me he made our appointment for a fricken moonless night!
150. I often make myself the hero of my own verse.Why? Because, frankly, what’s the chance of me doing it any worse?I’m the only one who has it all in his head —everything previously done, everything previously said.And with any other hero, it would be the exact reverse."
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