Limericks and such composed on my daily dog walks: verses 151-200

Note: Some of these verses lean left. If you lean right (which is completely cool, of course), you may not be totally happy with this site. Back to home page Links to other doggy-walking verse pages
151. You're way too young to be a neanderthal.And for a homo erectus, you're just a little too tall.So, judging from the size of your head,I think it can probably safely be said,you’re the smartest monkey of ‘em all.
152. As I'm walking these Spanaway streets,reciting poems by that English poet, John Keats,my dog has no complaintand acts like an absolute saint,long as I keep handing him his favorite treats.
153. The tattoos all over the body of that young lady —what are they gonna look like when she's eighty?I bet that ass of the sweet young lasssmelling flowers by her reclining lover in the grasswill soon be sitting on his beardless face, alas.
154. The Lord said to <governor of state, i.e., Ron DeSantis>, "Today, I'm in great haste.I'm gonna lay the state of <state name, i.e., Florida> to waste.From church steeple to church steeple,in the state of <state name, i.e., Florida>, I can't find even ten righteous people.So, of my anger, I'm gonna give all <residents of state, i.e., Floridians> a taste.
155. You know what is a fact?A fact is like a nut to be cracked.And then you can extract all the meaning,whether it's left or right leaning,and use it to keep your worldview intact.
156. The alpha and omega of all this adowas a petite little kitten named Miss Lucy LaRue.Frenetically chasing a squeaky little mouse,she bowled over every knickknack and vase in the house.And just as the mouse was cornered, and thought its life was through,a large lava lamp came crashing down, splitting the tarantula aquarium in two.
157. My dog can act awfully bizarre,like a clown with an exploding cigar.Of a sudden, he can dart all around,flip on his back, roll on the ground,and then look at you with a face that says, “Hardy-har-har.”
158. The counters of the Lord limericks / verses a. Just today, the counters of the Lord recorded 3.6 billion masturbations,half a billion extra-marital affairs, and 2.3 billion pre-marital fornications.Documenting world-wide illicit sex had them so busythat the counters of the Lord were literally thrown into a tizzy, and forgot to notate more than half of 1.4 billion men-on-men ejaculations.
b. Today, the counters of the Lord were at it again,with one group keeping tabs on women, and the other on men.And today, more women were seen engaging in a sexual transgressionthan men, from any walk of life or from any profession,which left the counters of the Lord scratching their heads, every now and then.
159. If I lived in your shoe,I'd know exactly what to do.I’d kiss your sweet toes,bedeck them with pretty, pinks bows,and paint three of them green, and two of them blue.
160. My dog is such a geek.He can bark in Arabic and in Greek.He’s expert in canine mathematics,can discuss dog-fight aerodynamics,and is fluent in bow-wow doublespeak.
161. See here? ─ you do see a little rot. But over here? ─ definitely not. So, whoever said you were totally rotten doubtlessly, it wrong has gotten ─ because totally rotten? ─ you certainly are not.
162. If I hadn't turned left at that street,then right at that cul-de-sac after a few hundred feet,I wouldn’t’ve been therewhen that hungry she-bearwas looking for something good to eat.
163. Angel limericks / verses a. Between pink, wispy clouds in a low, gray-blue sky,a little angel pop her head through and passionately waved "hi."And at the moment of seeingthat lovely, ethereal being,I regained my hope better days were again nearby.
b. I saw a beautiful angel do a triple pirouetteon a silvery pin with a tiny little head.And I was so impressed,I exclaimed, “Little Angel, you’re the absolute best.”To which she replied, “No biggy. For an angel, anything is as easily done as it is said.”
164. I heard a cop loudly hollerat a guy who grabbed a young girl by the collar."Hey! Let that girl go!Or the next thing you'll know ─you’ll get a free trip to the funeral parlor.”
165. At a carnival in the medieval city of York,I saw a cherubic baby deliver a stork,and a fat old sow and a skinny piggysmoking a filtered, Sir Walter Raleigh ciggy,as a madcap crowd chowed down on a trough of barbecued pork.
166. Perchance, have you seen Mr. LaDoux?He's easy to recognize with his hair of straw blue,and his nose a red ball,and dressed in a brown overall,perhaps covered with a bird dropping or two.
167. As she was drying her hair, my allusion went right over her head.I said, "The wethead is dead.""The red head is dead?""No, the wethead is dead.""The wet head is dead? No idea what you’re trying to get at!”
168. I decided to get off the road to salvation.I got so sick of all that piety inflation.The wide-spread public praying and making signs of the cross —don't these Holy Willies realize all that ostentation is dross?Christ was so against the pharisaic display of attention-grabbing adulation.
169. Here's a titillating fact —the butts of Martians aren't cracked.They excrete through their nosesby using little green hosesthey hook up to their alimentary tract.
170. I remember the day I accidentally slayed a dragon.A rock I’d catapulted went up its throat, and dragon started gaggin'.And as I was shaking in terror and dread,of a sudden, the poor beast dropped down in front of me dead.And I was so sad, as the dragon was being hauled off with an old Ford station wagon.
171. My wife's a really good egg.When it's sore, she’ll always massage my leg.And when I implore,she'll even do a little bit moreto make life a little merrier here in snowy Kandersteg.
172. I thought I saw a shooting starover there, above Taco Del Mar.I wondered what it could portend:the end of the world? the death of a friend?Or worse, that Mimi wouldn't be there when I got to the bar.
173. When you return from your year in Damascus,and you find my note, you'll know right away what my ask is.Please hurry on over to me,because I’m dying to see,if you're still adept at making love — or if you're all out of practice.
174. My dog's not so good in an off-leash park.He always tries to hump the young lassies and won't stop when they bark.And then the owners, all the while,glare at me, as if I've unleased some damn pedophile.So I have to go corral him and say to the little Romeo guy, "No, no, no, no, no! You don’t get to kiss each one of 'em good-bye!"
175. I sometimes wonder what it was likefor young Hans to stick his finger into that dike.Wasn't he shaken by the screechingand the dike getting closer and closer to breaching,threatening to wipe him away foreverwith his lunch pail and his bike?
176. I heard one yellow bird call to another,"Did you hear what happened to Tweety's little brother?He sat down on a hot wire,and caught his tail on fire,and now he can't fly anywhere without the help of his mother."
177. "Infinity is a very long time,"I said to my daughter, as she poured me another vodka and lime."But if I promise to love you forever,and help you and mom around the house with whatever,can you help me pay for my Amazon Prime?"
178. Remember how I used to rootto have you strip down to your birthday suit?I'd still do it today,but I know just what you'd say:"Isn’t it time to put that silver-haired thought on mute?"
179. When the walls fell down around Jericho,where were all the terrified Jerichoans to go?To the trumpets’ celestial sound,the Israelites made Jericho a killing ground,as heaven looked on and cheered every bloody deathblow!
180. Oh, you ─ sitting there in your silvery gray Celica,looking more angelic than all the angels in St Peter's Basilica.Let's go do something wild ─like ─ let's go make a child be beguiled.She drove away and slyly smiled.
181. I start every daythe exact same way.I ask her if I may.And if she says, "Yeah,"I start hugging and kissing — right away.
182. She was smarter than anyone else, that's for sure.She wasn't a college professor, but she knew so much more.She knew every in of every out,and what Mona Lisa's smile* was all about,and the answer to every kid's repeated why ─ and wherefore.* Or any other enigmatic painting such as Munk’s “The scream,” or Dali’s “The Persistence of Memory,” etc.
183. If you don't manipulate your manhood enough,you're at an increased risk of prostrate cancer and stuff.So, no matter what the Bible may say,make sure your manhood gets plenty of play,even if sometimes you have to do it ─ off the cuff.
184. I was interviewing a poem on my casting couch studio couch.I asked her, “Why you wanna be a poem?” She said "Ouch"That's a very good question.I did it on my daddy's suggestion,so I might learn not to be such a grouchy slouch."
185. She claimed she spent the night with the Wizard Oz,who graciously invited her to partake of his noz.She said, “Oh, Mr. Oz!I can't do that ─ because ─I'll never again be the same as I was.
186. Did you see the murder of crows? ─dozens of them lying in silent repose.They don't appear to be shot.So, it must've been poison or whatnot.Anyway, a lot of food for thought.
187. When I first told you I loved you that summer’s day,it coulda gone either way.You coulda said, "I'm sorry, I don't feel the same,"and I coulda slunk back into the just-friends state from which I just came.But thankfully you said, "Oh, my God, really? Oh, yeah!"
188. The Bible is very clear ─in heaven, no one wears any clothes or underwear.So, all those prudes, who have something against being in the buff,their lives in heaven are going to be pretty darn tough.There won’t be a single minute when they’ll feel comfortable there.
189. How do you locate your loved ones once you get to the hereafter?Does an angel come help you find them among the billions of happy souls engaged inpleasure and loud laughter?I'm a little anxious about how to find them when I arrive.It may be more frustrating than trying to find them when I was still alive.And depending on where in heaven they are, it may be a 30-year drive.
190. Most of our wedded life, my wife and I have slept alone.That’s because each of us snores like a contrabass saxophone.And due to that nocturnal, cacophonous duet,sleeping together has been impossible, much to our regret.But once a week, we do put on our perfume and cologne,and then crawl into one bed together ─ for a quick, hands-on session of two-part hambone.
191. If you get to fiddle with my middle,I get to fiddle with your end.And if it can't be that way from the very beginning,then you, Dear, cannot be my friend.
192. I got to talking to an Egyptian girl at a Cairo bazaar,who claimed she’d never been really bad ─ at least not thus far.I said, "But by us in the West,we like girls the bestwho do say, “Yes” to an occasional cigar.”“Yes.”
193. When I saw her eyes were burnt siennaand her lips were purple plaid,when she said she wasn't my kid’s teacher,boy, was I ever sad."
194. I’m sure I have everything right with God.He’s always known that I'm a slightly nutty clod.So, when He says it's time for me to come on up,none of them devils is gonna get Him to stopjust cuz I was a little bit defective, a little bit flawed.
195. Welcome friendsto the time your life ends.I do appreciatethat none of you is late.So, you're all still eligible for each of the after-life dividends.
196. If you find your happiness slipping awaytrying to survive another unendurable day,try screaming at the godsfor being the fraudswho promised you everything would be okay.
197. For my seventieth birthday, my wife and I tried to make hot, passionate love.So, there I was, like a proud barnyard cock, strutting my stuff.But after about a minuteof not being able to get it in it,my wife said, "Don’t you think, Dear, that's probably enough.”
198. The priest proclaimed I was a sinner,to which I said, “Yeah, but at least I’m just a beginner,”which made some people laugh,but not the other halfwho almost choked on their bread and wine dinner.
199. When the teacher said come to my desk when I call your name,she seemed confused and annoyed when I stood up and came.She said, "I didn't mean you!"I said, "But my name is Fatu."She said, "But for that, you have only your parents to blame."
200. People who can't afford the basics that they needare among the most hopeless people in the world indeed.So please! Give them a hand.(Sound of people clapping)
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