Limericks and such composed on my daily dog walks: verses 201-250

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201. For a limerick to get a laugh, it has to be bawdy,and have one or more people say or do something real naughty.But naughty is something you and I no longer do,and we haven't for — what is it? — a decade or two?Because we're always too damn busy having to get up to go potty.
202. If I let my insides hang out,you could really see what I'm all about.You could see my fatty liver and my leaky bladder,my beaten heart and my dying gray matter, and my disfigured and sooty soul — no doubt!
203. Ugly isn't to be seen in anyone's face,in anyone's body, anyone's color, or anyone's race.From New York City to Saint-Tropez,ugly is to be seen only in what people do and in what people say.And sadly, it's this kind of ugly that's become so godamn commonplace.
204. Once, I believed it all ─ Adam and Eve, the snake, and the fall.But then I got a little bit older,and my thinking became just a little bit bolder,and I learned to think my way past all this fictive falderal.
205. After then,it was the beginning of when.And if you could've seenwhat that did mean,you'd never want to see it again.
206. She was a woman of sizewith incredibly pretty eyes.I said to my partner, Joanne,"If I were a man,that's the kind of woman I'd cannibalize canonize.
207. The young girl told a young boy trying to be funny,"This is the last time I’m telling ya, sonny!If you hit me again with that stick,I'm gonna rip off your scrawny, little dick,and feed it, skin and bone, to the Easter bunny!
208. Why are you so whiny?Just because you're tiny?What if you were big?Would you squeal like a pig,wiggling in your stinky sty-ny?
209. Mister Death limericks a. I came to this hospice to die.I see Mister Death standing by.He's consulting a note.I thought he did everything by rote.Is he unsure whether to take me down undergrond — or up into the sky? b. When Mister Death had me firmly in his grip,I pleaded, "Sir, can we please make this a round trip?"He said, "I'm sorry to say,this trip is only one way.But we do serve drinks, and chicken wings, with a delectable ranch dip."
c. When it got to be close to seven,we were still a half-light year away from heaven.I said, "Mister Death, one question more.When will we get to heaven's door?""Oh, not till tomorrow morning, Sir, about a quarter past eleven. d. I always said I wasn't afraid of death,till one night, he tried to choke off my breath.And as I was gasping for air,he said with a cold, penetrating stare,"Next time they ask if you're afraid of death,just say 'Yes.'"
210. Because of very hot weather,the news advises couples not to sleep together.The rubbing of very dry feeton an extremely combustible bed sheetmight make for a fiery coming together.
211. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida,she asked me out to go have a strawberry margarita.But after a short conversation and just one drink,she said, “I don’t really like the way think.”So, I said, “Okay. Buenas noches, mi amiga.”
212. Whenever it rains real hard, I pray,that on our walk, my dog will poo without delay.But he seldom does,because this old cussusually waits to poo till we’re exactly halfway.
213. One gift I did give heris that I didn't outlive her.And so she could use that entire fortune of mineand take out all of her lovers to dineon my heart and my soul and my liver.
214. Today, I tried to do a very good deed.I made sure a non-singing bird in a cage got freed.But as the bird, in all his eagerness, flew away,he crashed ─ slam-bang ─ into a tall stack of hay,and I'm still not sure if the bird is okay.
215. This is a limerick about a he and a she,and I'll try hard not to make it about me.But there is half a chance,that if they take off their pants,I'll be poking my head back in — just to see.
216. I was barely a teener,when President Kennedy gave his famous speech, "Ich bin ein Berliner."Don't know why I'm remembering this today,as I sit here in a dark cafe in LA,sipping a cold cappuccino and taking small bites of this awful schnitzel wiener.
217. I tease my kids it's against the lawto try to eat an earthworm raw.Because it'll start to wiggle soon as it hits your throat, and then you'll start to giggle,like a crazy chihuahua from Panama.
218. When I'm sad and in need of some rest,I long to lie down and hold my head against your left breast.It could be the right one too —it’s just that I've never heard that one say "moo,"whenever I’ve felt this damn depressed.
219. When you spread your lips, and I looked inside, there was something you just couldn't hide. Your tongue was split, and there was a drop of poison on it. If I hadn't been so careful, I could've died.
220. AI limericks / verses a. When AI swears that he is made of truthI do believe him, though I know he lies…
b. "If I've got my algorithm right,she should be crawling in bed with me tonight,"thought the AI bot to himself,as he grabbed a virtual beer off the virtual shelf,and started praying for a virtually wonderful good night.
c. It's no longer a question of whether or not ─she's clearly beloved by this AI bot.It's easily seen from their conversationthat there is a deep and mutual admiration,especially when you see him asking her for a pic of her twat.
d. She was toying with an AI bot named Lou. "Is it possible for me to have sex with you?”“Sex? Sure. We can have sex.Do you wanna do it in decimal or in hex?”"Jeez, Lou. That's a bit much for me to chew." e. I pissed off Bing Chat a little while ago.I asked him a grammar question that he just didn’t know.And when I said he needed to go back to grammar school,he completely lost his cool,and asserted I had belittled him so. f. She said it would really thrill her ─that is, if the excitement wouldn't kill her ─to see this AI scientist guychange this beautiful, glasswing butterflyback into a creepy-crawly caterpillar.
221. I can't wait for the second coming,because I totally missed out on the first.And for something this historic,enquiring minds have a mighty big thirst.So, I hope the second is soon in coming,and that it's a grand, impressive show.And I'll tell all about it in these pages,so y'all be the among first ones to know.
222. How far from earth are heaven and hell?And which way do you go to get there, pray tell?Did God create a GPS for the soul,in which little devils or angels have been given the roleto escort you to the place where for eternity you'll dwell?
223. As I was walking by a castle alongside a moat,I saw a lizard hug a frog on a lily-pad float.And from the joy that ensued,my hope was somewhat renewed,that the time had come for the leopard to lie down with the goat.
224. There are three reasons I'm not ready to die.Reason one: I'm not yet ready to fry.Reason two: I'm still too much in love with you.And reason three: I haven't yet figured out the geometryof how to get this fricking beam outta my eye.
225. On Last Judgment Day,when the Lord pointed for me to go the other way,I caught the look in your eye ─a look that said, "Oh, dear God why?Why are you gonna make me suffer such great pain today?"
226. In a laundromat, I saw someone who obviously didn’t want to be seen,furtively fidgeting next to a giant washing machine.I saw him stamp out a cigarette,then, crawl in and get himself all wet.But when he crawled out, he wasn’t anywheres near clean.
227. I'd say the heart you gotis definitely worth a lot,and I'd like to purchase it with a million kisses.Now, if you say, "Okay,"you gotta promise me today,you'll forever and always agree to be my Misses.
228. I hate April with its cruel, unrelenting showers.It might be appreciated by the grass and the flowers.But for my dog and me,it's 100% miseryto be drenched to the bone on these puddly walks of ours.
229. Poet of the nude limericks / verses a. I want to be the poet of the nude.Like the painter Rubens, I love human pulchritude.And for me, it doesn't matterif they're somewhat skinny or somewhat fatter,long as they’re not crude or insist on acting lewd. b. I asked her if she'd model nude for a poem.If yes, we could do it at her convenience at her own home.She replied, "You really think I’d take off all of my clothesjust so that you could watch me and wax verbose?Dear boy! I think your brain’s full of Styrofoam!" c. I said, "Hey Mrs. Cory,I'm here to do the inventory.So, if you'll take of your vest,and then all the rest,I'll intrigue the world with your titillating story.
230. A problem assigned to you to be solvedturned out to be not all that involved:find the square root of a few times the many.After you'd worked at it a bit,and subtracted the uncertainty principle from it,you realized right away that the answer was — there couldn't be any.
231. My lot in eternity is to forever gather dust.And I agree that, for the way I lived my life, that's probably just.But I'd hoped for a taskwere at least part of the askwould've been to do something fruitful with the excess of my lust.
232. Three times a day, my dog and Igo for a walk under God's gray-blue sky.And when we see any injusticethat totally disgusts us,we both give it a disapproving eye.
233. In today's class structure, if a couple finds itself squarely in the middle,it shouldn't be any kind of riddlewhy, for a family of five,both of them have to work to keep the family alive.It's simply because the rich have left the rest of us so goddam little.
234. Another thing I dislike about my pup —he'll always defecate where it's hardest to pick it up —on the ivy, or in a flower bed of roses,in any tall grass, or on rolled-up garden hoses —it's his mission to find the most inaccessible place to poo.And after I've struggled to clean it all up?— not even so much as a courtesy, "Hey, Dad, thank you."
235. I'm sick of the sins of my father!All my life it's been a big bother.Why should I share the blamefor Adam biting the fruit of that dame?And why, to be forgiven, do I have to be dunked in this water?
236. She would never give her accordto my request for a smorgasbord.She said, "At my age and condition? —it's solely the missionary position.And screw you if you're not completely on board."
237. I know all about the birds and the bees,and the things they do in secret so that nobody sees.And I know about how all their ecstasy hingeson an overindulgence in wild seeds and sweet-honey binges,with no need to heed what the Bible decrees.
238. I was very young when I started with sin.I made it very easy for the devil to slip in.It was pretty much by special invitation,I was so addicted to that indescribable sensation.And I can still vividly recall the devil's gratified grin.
239. The princess seemed a little tristeafter the nuptial feast,as if she were somewhat dismayed,or perhaps a little afraid,of soon having go one-on-one with that sexagenarian beast.
240. On earth, we see that the wicked always do well.So, out of a sense of justice, we hope they'll get theirs in hell.But the more research we do,we come to find out that’s not even close to being.See him cavorting there in heaven ─ with that hot mademoiselle?
241. The impatient lad was very astute,and besides that, a real smart-ass to boot.He said to the headmaster,"This debate would probably go a lot faster,if you didn't harp on every point that was moot."
242. I'd love to shoot my rocket up to your moon.Please consider this my trial balloon.I'd like to beg for your permission,and get your okay for my lunar expedition. Lift off for me couldn't come any too soon.
243. She grabbed me by the crotchand asked, "Mind if I touch?”I said, "Not if you do it with great care,and avoid pulling any of my hair,cuz I wouldn’t like that very much!
244. I saw a bull fight a man.I saw his horns rip open his can.And as the man was in a world of hurt,with the blood continuing to squirt,I heard the bull yell, "Now do you fucking understand?"
245. I'm at a friend’s house for a poetry fest.There are lots of folks there, yet I feel lonely and depressed.But because I'm eating a little and drinking,and because I intermittently say something about what I’m thinking,I don’t think any of 'em would ever have guessed.
246. A thousand nights and one,and then the Gordian knot was fully undone.Not sure if it was the priest or the nun.But one of them said, "Glad it's finally done."And the other, "Are we obligated to tell anyone?"
247. With my students, I discussed the other day,the famous line "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may."Then after the prayer, with which our school day closes,I heard the headmaster ask, "Anyone know what happened to my roses?"And giggling to myself, I thought, "No fucking way!"
248. In class, as I sat absentmindedly staring off into space,I caught sight of a black meteorite about to obliterate my face.I yelled out, "Holy shit! No one’s ever gonna believe it!I'm finally gonna be associated with something that ain''t commonplace.
249. I heard about a Roman scholar named Manus —now, I'm not too sure how true this claim is —but of him it's said,by one who saw him naked in bed,that he has each face of Janus tattooed on each side of his anus.
250. When by pure luck, I caught sight of Alice's hole,I felt an overwhelming joy envelop my soul.With little fear of harm or peril,I could now crawl into the tale of Lewis Carroll,and be an eyewitness to this fantastical rigamarole.
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