Limericks and such composed on my daily dog walks: verses 251-300
Note: Some of these verses lean left. If you lean right (which is completely cool, of course), you may not be totally happy with this site.
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251. In Spring, what could be more awesomethan this gorgeous, pink and white cherry blossom?Except perhaps the face of my dear, sweet Neith,who, I think, might've had a set of perfectly straight teeth,if she'd only taken a little more time to floss 'em.
252. When the young novice laid eyes on the new monk,she thought to herself, "Wow! Now there's quite hunk!"Then it hit her that Jesus, in fact,had said the thought is as bad as the act."Um," she thunk, "I always felt that that idea was kinda bunk."
253. My neighborhood has a small pet farm,where yesterday, they had a five-pet alarm.Apparently, the duck, the bunny, and the cocktalked the pig and the pony into picking the lock,so they could all go dine in the garden of our favorite schoolmarm.
254. That yellow line in the middle of the roadturned out to be the end of the line for what appears to be a rather big toad.The toad probably had no idea when it was hopping,that that 5-ton semi-truck had zero intention of stopping,till perhaps a few seconds before it was destined to explode.
255. I wrote this poem for you, it's true,as thanks for you cooking me that sumptuous beef stew.Yes, I know the two aren't really equal,but if sometime next week, we could do a sequel,I might fall even deeper in love with you.
256. The reason we don't see to eye to eyeis because you don't live anywhere nearby.If we could agree on a time and a place,perhaps, we could meet face to faceand try to see eye to eye ─ over a bit of dry whiskey and rye.
257. I am the neighborhood aquarium man.I take care of people's fishes the best that I can.And I'm always touched when I see another one die,even though, deep down, I fully understand why ─it's all part of God's ichthyological plan profoundly fishy plan.
258. I never even knew what it waswhen I got hit in the head by a big bag of fuzz.And this is the first thing the doctor said,when I woke up in the hospital bed: "At least now we know what getting hit in the head by a big bag of fuzz does."
259. Some days my dog seems to be on a missionto achieve intestinal nuclear fission.His farts explode with such an incredible might,that the gas emitted far exceeds the speed of light —a claim at which physicists, of course, laugh with derision.
260. When I was in Honahlee, I ran into that magical dragon, Puff.I said to him, "You were a friend of Jackie Paper, right?"He answered wistfully, "Sure enough —if you can call someone a friend,who leaves you this utterly broken in the end.Since he disappeared, being a magical dragon has been exceedingly tough."
261. Why's everyone so eager to blame her?It's not her fault the lion almost killed the lion tamer!He shouldn't have averted his eyeswhen she reached for her purse and slightly bared her tights. Why’s everyone so intent on trying to shame her?
262. When Sophy and I parted ways,I lived through Winter's darkest days.And while the sun never shone,I spent the time in my apartment alone,loving the dickens out of Miss Milly Mayes.
263. Every idiot knows that Transylvaniais located in the country of Romania!So why did you say,live on Jeopardy yesterday,"Mr Trebek, 'What is Albania?"
264. I think I'm headed straight for damnation.I can't figure out this goddam equation!What's heaven plus thirty-seven
divided by the square root of hell minus eleven?Please help me find the answer and be my salvation!
265. She said, "You know what, honey?Your limericks ain't all that funny."I said, "If you ask me, I tend to agree.So, what do want? The leg or the thigh of this bunny?"
266. Before you get 'em naked,you wanna see 'em shake it.And if it doesn't jiggle,or if you don’t like the way they wiggle ─take my advice ─ don’t take it.
267. Ladies and gentlemen of wealth and riches,and also you, you poor sons of bitches —mark well what I say,and prepare for the day,when God will finally have worked out all of the glitches.
268. Either or?
I guess it doesn't matter much to you anymore.
It used to be one more than the other.
But lately, you can't even be made to bother.
These days, everything to you is just one, big, super-sized snore.
269. When I went on a trip down south,I met a guy who literally had the world's filthiest mouth.His lips were covered with what looked like the residue of spaghetti;his teeth were besprinkled with specks that looked like green and pink confetti;and his tongue had the color of a brick-and-mortar shithouse.
270. I'm just sitting here tonight, waiting for death,not in a morose way, just somewhat philosophical, I guess.One day, the day will come,and then I'll gladly go back to where I came from —freed from the pain of failure — freed from the need for success.
271. No, all of reality is not made up of just one big algorithm. Those who think it is, are looking through a faulty prism.If you ask me,It’s got to be at least more than three.Anything less, and you couldn’t create this entire universe with 'em.
272. What I do just about every Sundayis wish that the next day weren't Monday.And if my wish were to ever come true,I'd have to change my point of viewfrom never — to perhaps you'll come back to me some day.
273. During a game of strip pokershe whispered to a guy surreptitiously trying to poke her,“The rules of the game are such,you can look, but you can't touch! —unless you wanna discreetly slip me that there joker.”
274. She said, "Lo, and behold! Your heart is so cold!"
I said, "On the whole, it’s not nearly as cold as my soul.
But no biggy, since in my life, it plays such a very small role.”
275. When the eager young actor hopped on top,the pretty stage director yelled, "No, please stop!"What are you're doing?Please stop screwingthose bolts in the wrong place of my brand-new backdrop!"
276. Most of my limericks are just meant to be silly.A crazy thought pops into my head willy-nilly,and then, yearning to be a clown, I just write the lines down. So, really — don't go overthinking them, Billy.
277. This morning, my yard was hoppingwith squirrels and rabbits busily shoppingfor pine needles, berries, and cones,and alluringly flowery perfumes and colognes,to entice partners for this evening's bebopping.
278. My dog's got to be listed among the world's best noses.He can sniff the difference between yellow daisies and pretty red roses.And if somebody cuts the cheese,he can tell if it's one of the Goudas, the Roqueforts, or the Bries,or if these are a pair of Shirley's socks or one of Patricia's pantyhoses.
279. He never thought; therefore, he would never be,according to René Descartes' philosophy.He was a complete nonbeing,never hearing, never seeing,like most of the rest of humanity.
280. I once saw Cupid poop by a tree in a field,and I was surprised at the amount he did yield.And when he was done,he strapped his quiver of arrows back onand flew off to make another two one.
281. I saw a tear in the old mermaid's eye.Her beloved porpoise was about to die.So, I sent a quick wishto Angelica, the angelfish,to help the old mermaid give her porpoise a fitting good-bye.
282. When I heard of your demise,I was at McDonald's eating a cheeseburger and fries.And when the newscaster saidyou’d died when an elephant shit on your head,it didn’t come as any big surprise.
283. Be careful you don't end up alonein that spooky place called the Twilight zone,because on every occasion,things happen there without explanation,like God calling you up without using a telephone.
284. The largest part of female is male,although many women might get miffed at this tale.But when you see how it's written,it's really as sure as shittin’,that it's the letters "male" and not "fe" that prevail.
285. I wish the joy in my heart had been insurable,or that when my heart got broken, it would've been curable.But that’s what you get with the abstract —you can't fix it when it gets cracked,or ease the pain that's so damn unendurable.
286. Stars were twinkling each time that I kissed youat sundry bars, where I was unable to resist you.And you kept saying in the world's sweetest voice,"Hope you know, you're definitely one of three boyswhom tonight I would love to say yes for a tryst to."
287. In a yard with weeds overgrownmy dog found a big-ol' rhinoceros bone.How did a rhinoceros bone get into this yard?For me, a logical explanation would seem kinda hard.So my guess is, it's not real bone — just a very good clone.
288. When Lucy came out as Luke, during the talent show,some malicious kids really hurt him by mistreating him so.So I took him under my wings,and clued him in on some things,that I thought every new boy ought to know.
289. I got me a complimentary ticketto go watch my first game of British cricket.I know the game's kinda slow,but that's a real good opportunity, you know,to study people’s noses and to see how many of 'em pick it.
290. At this time of year, when the rains have relented,and April with Spring's fragrance is scented,I go see my sweet friend, the bonny Wife of Bath,and hand-in-hand, we tread the primrose path,till we're both totally sated and totally contented.
291. I asked her why she was so stingy with her kisses.She said, "That's the prerogative of any Miss or Mrs.If a girl don't wanna kiss,that's just the way it is."I said, “It's bunk, that's what that is.”
292. There's a woman who haunts me nightly in my dreams.She stares at me with wild eyes and deafens me with her screams.I implore her, "Oh Lady, for heaven's sake!Please come back when I am fully awake,so I can string your ass up from one of these low-hanging beams."
293. "I presume you're the lady of the house?May I ask you to please put on a blouse?I'm here to inquireabout a call that came in about all smoke but no fire.Did that call come from you ─ or was it perhaps from your partner or your spouse?"
294. She said, “Why are you in such a deep funk?You used to be such a fun-loving hunk.But now when I grab hold of your rudder,all your engine does is go sputter, sputter, sputter,and then stalls out with a clattery clunk-a-dee-clunk.
295. The survey asked me to rate you from one to ten.But ─ I forgot ─ what am I rating you for again?For the way you tried to fixmy broken fiddlesticks?But they’re not fixed! They still only work every now and then.
296. This is the winter of our discontent,*with no hot water or heat coming outta the vent.They again cut off our power,in the middle of another snow shower,because mom couldn't pay both the electricity and the rent.* From first line of Shakespeare's Richard III
297. There's no way I can help what I think.Thoughts just come up in the eye of a blink.And much to my credit,there's very little that I edit,so I can be an open book for my shrink.
298. The scene was idyllic, to say the least ─a fruitful garden where God had set the table for a perpetual feast.And He proclaimed in a joyful voice that it was His willthat every being in his creation could eat what he could gather or kill,which wasn't really music to the ear of every creature or beast ─ to say the least.
299. The first time I had sexual relations with Karri,I readily admit, it was a little bit scary.In the process of being naughty,I found she was completely robotty,with electric circuits, where she shoulda been hairy.
300. I allow the dog that I gotto do and get away with a lot.To me, he can do no wrong.Except when I'm in bedtrying to make love to Lisette,and he immediately starts humping along.