Limericks and such composed on my daily dog walks: verses 301-350

Note: Some of these verses lean left. If you lean right (which is completely cool, of course), you may not be totally happy with this site. Back to home page Links to other doggy-walking verse pages
301. There's never a good reason to lie,unless it's the only thing you can do to get by.And then it should be ─ lie with impunity,even if they made you swear, "Cross your heart, hope to die."
302. If I could lie again under that same old apple treeand invent anew the theory of universal gravity,it may sound rather sappy,but I'd be the happiest pappythat this old Newton could ever be.
303. Dear Sun, why are you so hot?Why are you hitting us with everything you got?The forests are all ablaze,and the sky is a mucky haze,and there's not a single free spot ─ in this Antarctica, beach-front parking lot.
304. "Okay," said the fox to the wolf in a huff."We're making this problem way too tough.You take that pig, Sandie,and I'll take that lamb, Randy,and we'll share that goat, Billy, if that ain't enough."
305. Whenever she races her Camaro down the street,she's always way too fast for anyone to beat.The cops sometimes give it a try,as in their Dodge Chargers, they also race by.But you'll never see them cop to defeat.
306. “Did you say you wanted a ginger ale with that kale?”“Kale? Who said I wanted kale?”“I thought you said you wanted kale and a ginger ale?""No, I wanted quail with a jigger of ale.""Oh! That's why I didn't understand you! That was on yesterday’s special menu!"
307. Limericks / verses about repetition a. Sorry, but it's not any kind of crimefor limerick after limerick to re-use the exact same rhyme.Great painters do a similar thing, you know.Was it any kind of crime for Seurat or Van Goghto re-use the exact same color all the time? b. In limericks, I don't mind a fair amount of repetition.For heaven’s sake, how many times do people repeat going fishin’?And you and your wife?What do you do repeatedly in your life?Tell all! I don't want the abbreviated edition!
308. The girl who lives in the very next houselooks exactly like a modern-day Mini Mouse.She has black eyes, and a very cute tail,with cheeks that are blushed, yet perfectly pale,and always dressed in a quite titillating mini blouse.
309. Today, I tried to keep a stiff upper lip,when I saw the stock market take a big dip.Half of the money in my 401(k)—poof! — in a second, it was all blown away,and I could forget about asking Mini (see above) to go on a Disney Land trip.
310. Who knew that this day was coming,when we'd no longer hear the bees a-humming,and we could no longer trust that the fieldswould ever again produce the requisite yields,this fricking long before the promised second coming?
311. I heard that men and women on Venushave no concept of the idea of a vulva and a penis.On Venus, each sex tries to arouse the other's erogenous zonethrough an encrypted, erogenous thought process alone.And the way we do it on here Earth, they consider a boorish uncleanness.
312. I heard one dog bark at another:"You're uglier than you're very own mother.""Oh, yeah? And you're uglier than your dadafter he really started looking bad."Isn’t it sad to see such enmity between stepsister and stepbrother?
313. I met a woman for the ages.She's wiser than all the biblical sages.She knows all about Godand the Apple iPod,and the needs that each one assuages.
314. Peter and Paul verses a. It's sad that Saint Peter three times denied,or, to say it more bluntly — flat-out lied —or, perhaps, was not at all aboveboardwhen questioned whether he was a follower of the Lord —and sadly wasn't even present at the cross when He died. b. Did you know that the apostles Peter and Paul could raise the dead?At least, that's what it said in the Scriptures I read.It's amazing that when you read these books on your own,you discover things you may never have known,and things so different from what the preacher always said.
c. When I reach the pearly gates with the grim reaper as my guide,I hope the question of whether I get heaven or hell is only for Jesus to decide.Because if Peter is allowed an opinion and then the apostle Paul,I don't think I stand much of a chance at all.
d. When the apostle Paul made that fateful decisionnot to require that his male converts undergo circumcision,he, in effect, said that for their faith, they needn't suffer,like Christ on the cross, who had it just a little bit rougher.
e. I saw a guy rob Peter to pay Paul.It was a crime of unmitigated gall.And to have it be Peter to whom this was done,the one whom Christ had built His church upon!And I wonder—what was Paul's role in this all?
f. Saint Peter was fretting at Heaven's gate.He looked at his watch and saw it was getting nerve-rackingly late.So in a frenzy, he called Saint Thomas Moreand said, "Saint Thomas, can you please come guard this door?I gotta run. I got a hot date to go roller skate.”
g. Saint Peter said, “Hurry in, quick, so I can shut the door—you were being closely followed by the Babylonian whore.And if she were to get in,God only knows what trouble I'd be in.Heaven would never again be the same as before. h. “Is that you, Uncle Saul?I didn't recognize your voice at all.Yes, one way or another,I'll try to explain to mother —That from now on, we need to start calling you Paul.” i. The billionaire complained, “Today, Saint Peter is being a big butt.He’s keeping the gates of heaven for us rich folk shut.He’s letting in the poor, the displaced, and the lonelythe oppressed, the unloved, and the downcast only.So guess what! Today, we rich guys ain't making the cut!
315. The reason our world is in such a crisisis that we've stopped worshipping the goddess, Isis.So let's gather wheat, and honey, and freshly-brewed tea,red wine, and incense, and stones of lapis lazuli,and let's begin offering them again in daily Isis sacrifices.
316. What woulda been cooler to see?A guy walking on water, or a guy parting the Red Sea?I wish we'd still see neat stuff like this happening today.It might make it a little easier to believe that way.
317. When I awoke this morning, there was nothing on my mind.No matter how I tried, there wasn’t a thought I could find.I exclaimed, “Oh, my children!This is rather bewilderin'!Please call my shrink, if, for once, you could deign to be so kind."
318. Oh, you think I'm not serious?Yes, I find that hilarious!Have you read my work front to back?And you still persist in this attack?They used to send guys like you to Siberious!
319. When I went to my neighbor lady this morning to try to borrow two eggs,through her window, I did espy her two chubby legs,and her crazy old man,with his head up his can.So, I decided to borrow the two eggs from my other neighbor lady, Miss Craigs.
320. At a business luncheon, a voluptuous colleague playfully asked, “Can you move over a tickle?I wanna grab me a pickle.”“Sure,” I sassed, “Soon as I’m donegrabbing this hot spicy bun.”“Oooh!” she quipped. “I’ll not stickle,but spicy buns make my taste buds prickle.”
321. Sometimes when I'm trying to tease the words out of my brain,some of the words get to dawdling and forget to hop on the train.And as my train of thought keeps choo-chooing along,I see half of the damn words coming out all wrong.So I have to go right back to the beginning — to try tease them out all over again.
322. He said he was good at math, but he wasn’t a great mathematician.He said he could do much better at math in his role as a magician.For example, as a magician, he could make one and one equal threejust by sawing one of the ones in half, you see.I said, "Yeah, but ─ what do you do with that three in long division?"
323. In Paris, on the banks of the river Seine,I ran into an old acquaintance, Lili Marlene.I said, "Hey Lili, how you be?"She said, "Fine as you can probably see —as long as you don't make me the butt of your effing jokes again!”
324. In the life that's to come after this, here's something that I don't wanna miss.In the eternal hereafter,I don't want to be without your laughter,or without your morning or goodnight kiss.
325. I picked up a hitchhiker in my pickup truck. It turned out to be Nobel prize winner, Louise Glück. She asked me to trash some of her poems that she'd rejected ─ which, I, of course, kept, as you might've expected and used to write a piece called, "That was some luck." (Ooops. Her name’s not pronounced "Gluck!" Oh, fuck!)
326. If you could see through the gossamer membrane of beingand peer into a universe that no one else is seeing,you might just see four, four-dimensional ducks in a row,or five, five-dimensional ducks with a row to hoe,or six, six-dimensional ducks row, row, rowing their boat,while arguing about reality and vehemently disagreeing. * Play on string theory and multiple dimensions
327. It's gonna come, I know it will —that one perfect line that I'm searching for still.If I just keep racking my braintill I'm halfway insane — or perhaps better still — just wait — till it slips in through the windowsill.
328. For people's take-home pay, nothing’s been a bigger cursethan these years of Republican control of the national purse.If they could—these financial sages—they would even reduce the wages of the Rock of Ages, and connive to make the viability of social security even worse.
329. A young blackbird sat tweeting on the rim of a gutter,a sad complaint about how he had had it with his mother.She unceremoniously kicked him outta the nest,for nothing more than being a teenage pest,and now he’d have to go work to earn his own bread and butter.
330. Papa is just the sweetest little guy.He's always the very first to say, "Hi."He may be the world’s only parrotwho gets high on a teeny bit of carrot,and low when there's no one nearby.
331. Thanks for letting me practice with your gun.Now I know how this shooting shit is done.Sip some whiskey from a jigger,then quickly pull this here little trigger,and pray like hell you don't shoot someone.
332. I listen to "Silent Night" throughout the year.If someone says, "it's not Christmas," I say, "I don't care.”I'm always deeply moved by that song,stirred by the varied memories that come tagging along,some of great sadness, and some of great cheer.
333. I’ve lived a long life of wealth and leisure,and I’ve always been fond of wild, sensual pleasure.So, when the nurse came to my bedand said, “Shall I put some pomade on your head?”I said, “Yes, Dear, you’re such an absolute treasure.”
334. “Well, show me the way to the next whiskey bar,”Jim Morrison sang, driving a car,when the news broke in and said,“It's been reported Jim Morrison’s dead.But from what hasn't been made public thus far.”
335. <Violence> is such an awful thing.I wish I could wish it away more than anything.But that's not likely to ever happen,because that would be energy sappin’for those who think that <violence> is the answer to everything.
336. The good thing about going nowhereis that you're practically already there.So, no need to hurry,and certainly, no need to worry,because you'll get there with plenty of time to spare.
337. This dark fate that you find yourself incould be due to chance or to a really big sin.If you can think of something sexually illicit you did,you can rest assured that that's probably it,and then you can let your atonement begin.
338. It's easy enough to know everything on academia's long syllabus —that is — if you happen to be a fricking computer science wiz!But if, like me, you're just an average Jo,there ain't much more that you really need to knowthan where you work, where you live, and where the spouse and the kids is.
339. A dog, a rabbit, and a kitty,were out playing in a sunny park in the city,when suddenly they saw two yellow butterfliesdoing loop-d-loops right in front of their eyes,which made the dog, the rabbit, and the kittyso exceedingly happy, and ever so giddy.
340. "Get cracking!"said the foreman to the ten men fracking."If you don't toil,we don't get no oil,and the boss man's gonna give me a big, fat shellacking.
341. I've come back to the Pacific shore.I've been here so many times before.This is where God opened the curtainon my theater of hurtin',and the devil welcomed me to hell's open door.
342. Wow! That was rather cheery!Sorry if I depressed you, Deary.How about a little red wine,you sweet, sweetheart of mine,and perhaps a little loving —if I haven’t made you overly weary?
343. It's so damn ironic.My dog just farted in stereophonic.Right after I told U2's Bonothat he could only fart in mono,and he flunk the audition for U2’s new track ─ "Dog sipping gin and tonic."
344. There once was girl from Beverly Hillswho sold a potpourri of mind-bending pills.I bought one and ate it,and my entire mind got negated.It was one of my life's most forgettable thrills.
345. The furthest I ever got with Anneis half a block past the church of St Stan.And there, she rushed from my car,yelling, "This time you've gone way too far!See if you'll ever be driving me to church again!
346. I need some time to be alone.So please, dear reader, go on home.And maybe come back in a week or two,to see if I'm still this intensely blue,or ready again to create a brand-new slewof slightly off-color entertainment for you.
347. I'm glad Amirah was wearing her underbody armor,when she got attacked by that ISIS guy trying to harm her.When he tried to slip his thingy into this pretty, unflappable teen,she quickly lopped it off with her hidden guillotine.Oh, that Amirah! She doesn't put up with anyone trying to strong arm her!
348. I never claimed to be any good.If you think I did, you've misunderstood.I only said that between me and Shakespeare,there's only one winner-take-all there.And I've left it up to you to guess who.
349. I often have trouble capturing remembered moments in rhyme.And then I ask myself, "Why do I have to rhyme all the time?"It's not even the style.So why do I straitjacket myself all the while ─when free verse would make it so much easier to spread all my guile?
350. When, from my apartment window, I watch you and a friend drop off the kids,I feel the slowly welling up of tears behind my blinking eyelids.And as I hear the kids happily yelling "Daddy," as they reach the top of the stairs,I hastily brush away this untimely accumulation of tears ─take a deep breath ─ and am ready for a weekend of some untimely good cheers.
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