Limericks and such composed on my daily dog walks: verses 351-400


Note: Some of these verses lean left. If you lean right (which is completely cool, of course), you may not be totally happy with this site. Back to home page Links to other doggy-walking verse pages
351. If I could buy a ton of funny,I'd be telling the world's greatest jokes, my honey,jokes that would make people laughso hard they'd literally break in half —but sadly, I don't have that kind of money.
352. As I sit here, an old man, by the winter fire,I can recall — but not actually feel — any desire.I can recollect,but I can't detectany positive charge along the length of the old wire.
353. Marjorie Taylor Greene Limericks a. I'm no fan of Marjorie Taylor Greene.I think in Hell, she'd make a perfectly unimpeachable queen.Let her be the bride of the devil,so together they can revelin everything Jesus would've found so sickeningly obscene.
b. Jesus said to Marjorie Taylor Green,"You white evangelical queen!Why do you condemn a kid for their gender,instead of spending your energy trying to defend her?Who or what made you so goddamn mean?
354. Thanks for writing me a letter,to ask if I could explain myself a little better.Yes, I do somewhat enjoy sex,although the side effects can be exceedingly complex.And I do like the occasional hug, although I’m not much of a petter.
355. Yes, we sell wieners,both left and right leaners,and the ones in the middlethat are straight as a fiddle,and by special request, even the inbetweeners.
356. If you think justice is hard to find,just remember, Lady Justice is totally blind.But she does have a very keen sense of smell,with which she can quite easily tellwhether you sojourn among the rich or among the poor of mankind.
357. Today, I was caught in the middle ─between continuing to fight to keep dry, or just to give in to the piddle.I think the time's finally come for adult diapers ─it's no weirder really than driving in the rain and using windshield wipers. And it's a good answer to the old age widdle riddle.
358. “When you shoot a gun into the goddamn air, the bullet's gotta come down some goddamn where,” I said to my uncle, drinking rum, as I saw blood slowly dripping from his forehead in the trailer that we share.
359. This morning, a bird sang the prettiest song,but then she kept it up for so goddamn longthat I found myself going a little crazy in the head,to the point where I wished she'd just drop down dead.Sorry ─ I know! That kind of thinking is totally wrong.
360. If I had to be a sardine in a can,I wouldn't wanna be squeezed in next to a man.Cuz that would be really toughto have to be feeling his manly stuffall the way from Morocco to Japan.
361. The men and the women of our Navysail the world's seas and oceans so wavy.And when the motion of the waves make them sick,their heads over the railing they stick,and provide the fish with a warm serving of rag-gooey gravy.
362. To folks staring at a screen in a brightly lit room,I said, "I have arrived in heaven, right, I presume?""Yes, yes," they replied, my soon-to-be heavenly friends.“But until this gosh darn epidemic ends,there's no other way to do heaven but by Zoom.”
363. Heaven is not at all what I expected.It’s hell to be stuck in a room with the boring elected.They do nothing but this goody-goody-two-shoe shit!Believe me, after half an eon, you get pretty tired of it.Oh, where’s the escape button? I wanna be ejected.
364. I really like facesmade of red candy laces
 and boobiesmade of strawberry rubies
and belliesmade of fragrant fruit jellies,
 and hipsmade of chocolate chips,
 and what about those assesmade of blackstrap molasses
 and those thighsmade of golden French fries? and…Sorry!
I think I've just been given a pink slipfor this edible puppet quip!
365. I said to Chippy the chipmunk, "It's time for you to be stoppingall this silly, obsessional, famous-name dropping.Fess up! You never personally met that actor, Surly Squirrel,nor that famous muskrat singer, Jam of Pearl,much less Dobby — winner of gold for rabbit high-hopping."
366. "I'm outta here, see ya later,"yelled the sink at the refrigerator,and the screaming microwave did follow,as did the shrieking stove, flying out through a hollow,torn open by a twister, gutting a kitchen in Decatur.
367. In the animal world,boys will be boyed and girls will be girled.And when mom and dad have taught them all that they need— where and how to live, and where and how to feed —outta their cozy nests they unceremoniously get hurled.
368. He was a redhead and she a brunette."If we get kids, what kind are we gonna get?""Ones with ten fingers and hopefully ten toes.""Yes, but whose eyes — and especially, whose nose?""Who knows? I'm not a fricking geneticist, Ivette!"
369. If I ever wanna taste real heavenly bliss,I need to meet someone who'll do a little more than just kiss.So instead of sitting here at home,per advice of this self-development tome,I've gotta go spend more time with the friends of my sis.
370. I'm being accosted by five lines in search of a poet.They're gonna request I turn them into a limerick, I just know it.But I fear that their end rhymes are totally wrong,and that three of the lines are just too wordy and long."Sorry, guys! You need to find yourselves a better poet,because if I try, I just know I’m gonna blow it."
371. I always butter my bread on each side,so that it can more easily slideright down into my belly,where enzymes churn it into a slippery jellythat makes the way out a smoother ride.
372. They say it was the face that launched a thousand ships.But I bet she also looked pretty amazing around the hips.I’m sure she was a total beauty,because only an unqualified cutiecoulda had the destiny of so many men at her fingertips.
373. When I think back on all of the timesI've ruthlessly butchered some innocent rhymes,I feel like going out and buying a gun,and eliminating each and everyonewho was an eyewitness to my despicable limerick crimes.
374. As another second ticks off the clock,who knows what’s coming around the block.Will today continue to be okay?Or is something shocking coming your way?Brace yourself, in case it's a shock. Tick tock.
375. What if the earth were to unexpectedly run into a brick wall,speeding through the universe one dark night in the middle of Fall?Can you imagine the sounds of death, destruction, and annihilation,as Christchurch, New Zealand, crashes into the Atlanta Metro bus station?I don’t think that would be any fun at all!
376. My zip code is the zip code of sin.We only let the worst of the worst perverts move in.So if you're real pious,move to the zip code nearby us,where they always need more angelsto dance on the head of a pin.
377. The only way to try to prevent something awful from coming your way,like a deadly automobile accident, or terminal cancer, let’s say,or losing a child or a beloved spouse,or having an airplane crash land on top of your house,is to pray.
378. We were staying at a Boston inn in 1773,just good ol’ George Washington and me.He said, "I'm not telling you to lie,but if Martha comes by,tell her you have no idea where I could be."
379. I wish I could hear from my dad ─if things are okay, and if he's seen his mom and his dad.It was a long time agothat he left us, I know.But every time I think of him, I just get so sad.
380. I too was once in the belly of a whale.All there was to eat there was stenchy and stale.And the thick brine in that whale's tummymade me feel so slimy and scummy,all I could do was pray for some strong Irish ale.
381. The colors some people use to paint their houseI think is completely mickey mouse.By that, please understand,I think the colors are fully Disneyland,made from incompatible flowers and sometimes even a dead louse.
382. What I’ve seenof Josephineis donut holesand jelly rolesand everything in between.
383. At the funeral of a crow,there were lots of people I got to know:of course, the widow,and the parents and children of the dearly departed, Mr Siddo,and then all of his friends, somberly crowing from every last row.
384. Land of Oz limericks/versesa. I too have been to the land of Oz,where nothing is that never was,where everything is neverno one's only sole endeavor,and whatever is ─ is never just because.
b. When I arrived in the land of Oz,I met a guy who claimed he wasn't who he was.And neither was he who he'd been,so, it was very confusing when he did begintrying to explain why he thought I was his next of kin.
c. There’s a fantastical vet in the land of Oz,who's able to wrap an invisible dog in see-through, white gauze.So now that the pooch can be seen,its owner, good ol' Mrs. Seraphine,can finally trim its hair and the nails on its paws.
385. The lavender perfume on your quilted vestmight smell even better if and when you get fully undressed.And the musk on my well-trimmed beard,is naturally engineeredto have you do all that I request.
386. At a business party, a hypnotist put me in a trance.And supposedly, she had me do a crazy little dance.But what I heard later from Jack, my best buddyis that she got me to do stuff with my silly putty,to the jeers of all my colleagues in the stands.
387. Want a true confession?I'm not that big on comedic expression.I’m much more into tragedy,because tragedy goes to the very soul of me.It's the place where I dwell, with a shitload of guilt, in a cesspool of depression.
388. When I was young, friends could never get me to do coke.All that stuff did was make me barf and choke.So me and my friend Repsi,all we did was Pepsi,sometimes with a nice piece of chocolate and a savory smoke.
389. I asked her if she wanted to go.She said, "Where?" I said, “I don't know.”She said, “That’s really wild,because, ever since I was a little child,that's exactly where I always wanted to go ─ how'd you know?”
390. She was a real lover of poetry.But she didn't think that much of me.She said, "None of your stuffis anywhere near as tough as the worst of that poet, Charles Bukowski.
391. You know what's really insaneis when you're drifting down memory lane,and there's nobody therewith whom a memory to share.Where'd they all go? Please! Can someone explain?
392. They always say, "Seek and ye shall find."But why couldn't they have been so kindas to tell you what to seek,so you wouldn't be running around like a geek,looking for something so ill-defined.
393. The way home seems to have been mislaid.I think I'm way past the Fire Brigade.And where's that streetwhere the park and the bicycle path meet?I'm totally lost, and so very afraid.
394. I know that tomorrow the sunwill be back again to warm everyone.And at night, the moonwill again make the oceans croon,and the stars will again twinkle, and their beauty stun.
395. There's absolutely nothing boringabout hearing another person snoring.I mean, it can captivate you for hours,even through the most severe thunder showers,as you lie there, feeling your blood pressure soaring.
396. There once was a woman named Onassis,who got acute diarrhea from consuming too much molasses.And after her visit, the doctor is rumored to have said,"I just wish more people would get it through their head —too much molasses can have dire consequences for their asses."
397. I knew she was very, very sick,my new, twinkle-toed limerick.I worked on her all night long,but there was just so much wrongI couldn't get her to make her landing stick.
398. I'm a pragmatist through and through.So when she ask if I wanted to screw,I said, "Show me the plan.What do you expect from a man?And more importantly, what can a man expect from you?"
399. When I see castles in the air,I always wonder, how did they get up there?They must've been built by people of meanswith lots of money for levitation machines,unless they keep them up there with just a hope and a prayer.
400. Our country has completely fallen apart.To fix it, we're gonna have to make a totally new start.To do so, we're gonna have to take all of you yousand get you entirely offa fake news,and then try to put the horse of government back in front of decartes the cart.
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