Limericks and such composed on my daily dog walks: verses 401-450
Note: Some of these verses lean left. If you lean right (which is completely cool, of course), you may not be totally happy with this site.
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401. I could probably make a pretty long listof every time God in the Bible gets pissed.Why should God so often feel crappy?Isn't everyone in heaven supposed to be happy?There’s probably something in the Bible I missed.
402. It's fine if you think your believe in the Bible
is the only way to ensure your soul's eternal survival,
but please don't force that stuff on me.
Because if you do, I’m liable
to tell you I put more credence in the stories of Creedence Clearwater Revival,
because they sound so much more believable to me.
403. Today my dog and I decided to take a different route,
just to see what the other side of town was all about.
It was full of four-eyed geeks,
and twisted clowns on endless losing streaks,
glumly wearing their faces inside out.
404. Some things I just don't want to think about ─like that closet and the coming out.Cuz I'm not even gay ─at least not all the way ─and even if ─ it might still wash out.
405. The solution to your complex math problem is simple:just give it to the kid with the perpetual pimple.And he'll solve it with such aplomb and flairthat the teacher in amazement will stareand then smile at you from dimple to dimple.
406. The booze just kept flowing freely all night,even long after someone had yelled, “Turned off the damn light.”Then I noticed from somebody’s kissesthat this couldn’t possibly be my Mrs.So, I thought, "Wow! ─ something certainly doesn’t seem right."
407. Dear god, today again, I won't be kissing your ass.You again let small kids be slaughtered in a school, en masse.I would love to adore you,if for once you'd what I implore you ─but I think there's a fat chance for that, alas!
408. My dog will sniff any old where.If it embarrasses, he doesn't care.So you better pick up your clothes,or he'll rifle through them with his wet nose,and make off with your pink underwear.
409. I wasn't being seen ─ I wasn't being heard.
So, I tied my likeness ─ with lines of my verse ─ to the legs of a bird.
And I said, "Fly off, little birdy!
You're hired till tomorrow afternoon, five-thirty
to spread my likeness ─ and my word.
410. No, I wouldn't wanna go back in time.The way my life is now is just fine.I'm close to the end,and that's how I want it, my friend.Nothing I could do anyway to change any part of my sordid storyline.
411. After my dog got into my bowl of Top Ramen,boy, did he toot uncommon.It smelled worse than an age-old rotten mummy ─that gaseous crud he propelled from deep within his tummy.But he kept farting around ─ so he couldn't have been feel all that crummy.
412. I was the mouse and she the cat about to checkmate me.I'd been a little lax in my travels around the house,because I really hadn't run into her anywhere lately.So anyway, I tried to struggle with the old grouch,but she overpowered me and threw me on the couch,and I must say, it didn't feel half bad when she went ahead and ate me.
413. I'm your problem come home to roost.I'm your gander that has been goosed.I'm your worst fricking nightmare,your medusa with snake hair,I'm all the evil that your ignorance has loosed.
414. There are many times I can recallseeing another sparrow fall.But in the fall of a sparrow,there ain't no deep philosophy, said the pharaoh.So why assign to the fall — any meaning at all?
415. This is the age of who cares.Who cares if there's no more ice for the polar bears?And migrants who drown at sea? —they just shoulda stayed in Tripoli.And what financial collapse? Isn't it clear —these days, the world may have a few more poor,but every day, there's also a brand-new billionaire.
416. When our forefathers discovered another livable planet out there like the one we got,it turned out those living there had never heard about Sodom and Gomorrah or the ill luck of Lot.But when our forefathers tried to teach them about our gods named Jesus and Yahweh,they said to each other, "Who needs this crazy stuff? We're just gonna keep doing it our way."And thus far, their history has mostly been happy, whereas our history has mostly been not.
417. A parched elephant said to a gasping giraffe: "Alas!If we had only an iota of the water man wasted on grass,we might have lived many a more year,instead of having to face extinction here,on this desiccated, godforsaken morass."
418. When out of the blue, the barnyard cock crowed thrice,he so scared the little baby mice,that they tried to hide behind the big, black cat.Big mistake ─ that! ─because the big, black cat ─ munched ‘em up in a trice.
419. When the lady in redcrept into my head ─and crawled into my bed ─and I try to lay down beside her ─ she said,"Get away! ─ You're supposed to be happily wed."
420. “No notes,” said the teacher to us,"and there's nothing you're allowed to discuss.This is a pop quiz,to write an analysisof what to do when someone with a gun approaches our bus."
421 “We took our dog to get tutored.”“Took your dog to get neutered?”“No, what I said was ─ we took our dog to get tutored.”“Tutored for what?”“What to expect after we get him neutered.”
422. My dog can see every ghost.What convinces me the mostis that, on many a walk,he'll suddenly stop to stalknobody there by the lamppost.
423. “Patience is a virtue, young man.So, get your fingers outta my cookie can.”"And if I don't, will I get smacked?"“No! I'll just enforce the ‘Unlawful to steal cookies’ act,and have you put on a lifetime cookie-eating ban.”
424. I said, "Lord, please give me a sign."He said "Sip that water. Does it taste like wine?"Not that I can tell,neither by taste, nor by smell.""Damn it! It never seems to work with water from the Rhine."
425. Like you promised, I was timely awakened by the crowing of your cock.I'll never again question its utility as a wonderful alarm clock.It's so dependably punctual,so unquestionably functional.Too bad your cock is so despised by everyone else on the block.
426. I did a drive byof your exposed thigh,and my, oh my,if I hadn't been so shy,I would've stopped by to say, "Hi!"
427. A winsome wiener is just one of the manly toolswe need to use if we want to try to repopulate our schools,whose attendance we've seen drastically dwindle,ever since more women prefer to go to bed with their Kindleand break the Bible's "Be fruitful and multiply" rules.
428. I'm sorry you don't like my facewhich, if you would give me the cash, plastic surgery could easily replace.Would you like a face like Jourdan Dunn?Or perhaps a face more like Natalie Portman?Or maybe Meghan Trainor's? And if Meghan's, with or without the bass?
429. As I was out walking quite early with my dog,I found a wallet with a picture of a frog.So I went to the address,and I'm sure you can guess —it was by a pond in the middle of a bog.
430. One thing when you get this old —your body can get so darn cold,because your skin gets so thin,it lets all the iciness in,and that's when a hot partner is worth their weight in gold.
431. If any god called me to sacrifice my child,
I don’t think my reaction would be any too mild.I think I’d yell, “Are you fucking kidding?You really think this diabolical demand is fitting?Check the goddamn phone number! I think you misdialed!”
432. Your feelings have a line right down the middle,and to me, it's always been quite a riddle.Your left side's real nicebut your right side's like ice,and gets ticked each time your left side and I wanna fiddle.
433. On the shopping list, she wrote: URGENT!!! bread.So what did I do? To the store I did head. Fred Meyer's not very far ─no more than five minutes by car.And when I said, "Sweetie, here's the bread,she said, "The bread? I thought I'd requested milk instead."
434. I was born in the year of the rabbit,which has left me with a very nasty habit.I like to nibble on stuff.sometimes nice, sometimes rough,and when she gets mad, I get mad, dagnabbit!
435. Yes, I too am I veteran.And does that really make us any better thanany other Tom, Dick, or Marie,who might've found it too sick or too scaryto fight for whatever in Vietnam, Iraq, or Afghanistan?
436. Some old U.S. veterans say they fought in Vietnam,the country on which the U.S. dropped many a bomb.Some old U.S. veterans say they fought in Vietnam,the country where U.S. Forces were daily served fried rice and ham.Vietnam, Vietnam—the pronunciation won’t change what the U.S. did there one little damn.
437. Mini asked Mickey,“How can you love me, if you don't even have a dicky?”Mickey answered, "Mini, my gal,love you dearly, I shall,and you can go to Goofy if you ever need a quicky.”
438. When she disappeared behind the curtain,I knew that she knew for certain,but that she couldn't come back tell,whether she’d gotten a ticket to where she hoped she was going,or a ticket to where she knew she could be going just as well.
439. For some reason, my dog especially loves to peeon small, leafy branches that've fallen off a tree.Why he thinks it’s so special to whizzon fallen parts of trees like thisis pure mystery to me.
440. Christian denominations limericks / verses
a. The religion professor gave us a quiz that was complete insanity.He said list at least 100 denominations of Christianity.And as if that wasn't enough,to make it extra tough,he asked, "And which one is most likely to lead to the salvation of humanity?"
b. A Christian? Is that what you want me to be?Tell you what, get all your denominations together and get them all to agree.And when all of you Christians are all on the same page,preaching the same exact message of that Nazarene sage,let’s discuss it a little further over a steaming cup of Persian mint tea.
441. Sometimes when I hear a particular song,a tucked-away feeling comes flashing back so strongthat the tears just start falling —and why? — I have no way of recalling.And so I just say, "Nothing," when my wife asks, "Sweetie, what's wrong?"
442. I used to participate in <social media>, but no more.The shit that came raining down on my head wasn't something I was looking for.People with words made of sticks and knivesseem to delight in making a misery of other people's lives.And that need to belittle and hurt others? — what in heaven's name is that good for?
443. I said to Jo,"Just let it go.You can't hold onto a past that's gone.She said, "Oh? — Is that so?"
444. The rain fell out of the skyin buckets on the land nearby.But on the land where I did dwell,not a single rain drop fell.I guess heaven wasn't open for prayers — when mine happened to come by.
445. In the house on the other side of the street,the ghosts and the ghoulies come together to meet.And there they go to bed,with the living and the dead,each night before their QAnon retreat.
446. My doggy's sniffing is like people perusing the news.And each sniff is full of info that my doggy can useto work out, in his doggy imagination,epic works of doggy versification with which his doggy audience to delight and amuse.
447. I believe that in paradiseeverything is perfect and everything is nice.Even souls from Russia and Ukrainecan celebrate newfound friendship over a glass of French champagne,and laugh about their ultimate sacrifice.
448. When I grow up, what I wanna beis a bona fide child prodigy.Those cats are so smartthat by the age ten, they know all of math, science, and art —practically by heart.
449. The land I've come to is an okay place to live forever after.Sometimes there's joy, and sometimes there's laughter.And memories here are of the kindthat no one seems much to mind,and there are wishes piled up from the ground unto the rafter.
450. By the river, we babble on,*while our parents sleep, from midnight till dawn.That's what you do at camp when you're young and in loveand have only the stars aboveto keep track of what's going on.
* Play on Psalm 137, "By the rivers of Babylon."
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