Limericks and such composed on my daily dog walks: verses 451-500

Note: Some of these verses lean left. If you lean right (which is completely cool, of course), you may not be totally happy with this site.
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451. I asked Jack, "How do you stomach living in that box?Whiskey on the rocks?”He said, "No, it's much more mundane.I simply turn off my brain.Then turn it back on again,when someone else expects me to entertain.
452. When I was hard at work on poem 452,my wife suddenly burst out, "I'm so tired of you!You're sucking all the words right out of the air!It's getting impossible to think in here!How much longer till you're through — with poem 452?
453. She was such a dish!She said, “I'll see you around 8-ish?”So I knocked on her door,a good fifteen minutes before,because I didn't want to be late-ish.
454. Ten Oh!Nine Hello.Eight Whoa!Seven No!Six Go!Five Four Three Two One Done
455. I'm here to atonefor my dog stealing your stinky dog's bone.So here is a treatof two pickled pigs’ feet,and a big bottle of doggy eau de cologne.
456. Two gay guys were going straightto the bus station because they were running late.One dropped a party hat,and the other one said, "Don't stop for that!It's late. We gotta go mate go, mate.
457. Have you ever thought about how tyrannosaurus rex might have gone about having some hot, passionate sex?He, with possibly a meter-sized peter,and she, getting into position for a sperm load of perhaps more than a liter.Man! It must've been so cumbersome — and so complex.
458. For talking too much in class, we've buttoned your lip.If the teacher does ask you to talk, here is a little tip.You unbutton your lip just like a button on your shirt.The first few times, you may feel a little hurt.So be gentle, so your lip doesn't rip.
459. A book I'd recommend?One that has a really good beginning and a really good end.Now, what book that could be —beats me.So, I'll leave that up to my librarian friend.
460. Look what I just found! —my mind, which I lost the other day at the kiddy playground.It still seems to work okay,but for some reason, it now thinks I am gay!How the hell do I switch that around?
461. If you spot a V of geese heading south,you might consider closing your mouth.Otherwise, they might just fly in,unless, of course, they crash on your chin,and make a mess on the front of your blouse.
462. When I daily see geese flying south,I ask myself what I'm still doing in this housewhere the temperature's freezing,and I walk around sneezing,and the cat no longer plays with the mouse.
463. Tithing limericks/verses a. You know why holy men created the idea of hell? Because the idea was so fricking easy to sell. Simply by linking deadly sin to a god who's forgiving, these men knew they’d be able to make a pretty good living, given that fools are so easily fooled into tithing so well. b. The wisdom throughout the ages has been to rely solely on religious sages, who, with their good news and good cheer, promise to keep God and the angels near at a charge of only 10 percent of your wages. c. Heaven? What kind of place is that?Let me tell ya, it’s a place where you can get the best sex, tit for tat,where tables are always piled high with savory food, strong drink, and sweet dessert,and everyone can eat and imbibe all they want and never have their head or tummy hurt.And best of all, no one ever has to go to school, or work, or even do a single chore.And all that can be yours for as little as a tithing of 10% ─ and never a penny more!
464. In the school latrine, Mister Rich,ran into quite an embarrassing glitch.While pulling up his zipper,the zipper caught the skin of his big dipper,and he yelled, "Oh, fuck! Oh, shit! Oh, son of a bitch.""Ooooooooooooooooooooh! Mister Rich!"
465. We're speeding faster and fasterto each new climate disaster.But in heaven's name! ─don't say mankind and fossil fuels are to blame! ─that's per the preaching of every other rich, Christian pastor.
466. We went in with our guns a-blazing.And what we found there was truly amazing:two chickens and a turkey,looking at us all smug and smirky,as if to say, “Is there really a need for this hell y’all are raising?"
467. I packed my bundle of sins on the back of a scapegoat,chased him into the wilderness,then sailed for Thebes on a swift boat.But when we arrived,and I debarked the swift boat,who was waiting there ─ but that goddamn scapegoat.
468. What Einstein saw in his brainwould've driven a normal person insane.He saw God with a golden beard,saying "I already told you, E equals MC squared!Albert! How many times do I have to explain!"
469. Entering the park to meet my blind date, Charlotte,I was awestruck by a beauty dressed from head to toe in scarlet.And my opening line, as she sat on a wooden benchwas "My — you look so incredibly French."She gushed, "I do? I can understand it a bit — but I don't really parle it."
470. Sometimes, I'm scared of being a poet, because the fact is hard to hide —so many of them come to an untimely end by committing suicide.So, whenever I venture too close to the abyss,I quickly turn away from where the darkness is,and jump on Clyde — and go for a ride. * * Play on a line in the song "Ahab the Arab"
471. If you'd been among the saved during Noah's great flood,you would've been put to work shoveling animal crud.All that piss, menses, and shit —you would've seen no end to it,till the ark finally touch ground with a big, heavy thud,and the animals were all set free for a life-or-death struggle in Ararat's mud.
472. In 1777,there was an untold number of children who were barely eleven.And today, it can safely be said,every single one of them is dead.But how many of them are in hell, and how many of them are in heaven?
473. You and I are traveling parallel roads,and living in parallel abodes, with parallel wives, surviving parallel lives, and finding relief on parallel commodes.
474. A nun ran over a rabbit.She said, "Yikes! This is becoming a habit.Like, last week it was four.And this week, already one more.But, hey! Makes for ample stew for the abbot.”
475. Right now, it's later than it's ever been.And as soon as it's said, you can say it all over again.Time ticks off by the second,and when all seconds are reckoned,the universe will give one final spin,and then — boom! — we can all watch it — abruptly cave in.
476. The horse, the donkey, and the pigplayed as a trio at a rock-'n-roll gigfor the sheep, the geese, and the cowand the rabbits, and the chickens, and the sowand the llama with her mama in a crazy orange wig.
477. It's never a given — what you've got.It's all assigned or taken away by lot —whatever joy, whatever pain,whatever loss, whatever gain —whether you deserve it — or not.
478. Did you know Virgil Kane?I just saw him go swirling down the drain,followed by a black, bloated birdy,and that geeky girl's nerdy gurdyin a flood zone of Lake Pontchartrain.
479. If I had to pick between an apple and a pear,I'd pick that exquisite peach right there,with its flushed, red-rose cheeks,and it's swirling orange and yellow streaks,all covered with such a fine layer of pink fuzzy hair.
480. Man, oh man, oh man!What I couldn't stick in your magnificent can! ─the pennies I've found,and the marbles so round,and the spellwork of that Wiccan from the Yucatan.
481. In the second millennium B.C.E., there lived a guy who was a lot like me.He too was a skeptic and a scholar,eking out an existence in loneliness and squalor,and just as clueless about what life was meant to be.
482. Here's something I learned from Mister Magoo.It’s something you should never, ever do.Never stick a hosemade of rubber up your nose,no matter how many times kids tell you to.
483. Oh, the languageof that dang witchwas so acerbic, strident, and stinging,that every sound of that foul-mouthed hellhoundstill pesters my ears with its pitiless pinging.
484. As I look in the mirror, I bewail the wrinkles acquired over the years.And I also rue the loss of an innumerable amount of hairs.But I do take comfort that some things are still exactly the same:for example, my ID number, and my first and last name ─ proof that I'm still me, no matter what face in the mirror appears.
485. The way to end everything in the world that irksis first to get rid of all the fricking male jerks.Then, when it's only powerful women who remain,let them be the ones who take the reinand guide everyone back to everything that works.
486. This is a poem of advice to my fellow man.Always try to do more than you think you can.But never be upset about what you never did.And make others finish their quo before you start your quid.And always have a game plan for your entire life span.
487. She said, "Let's just compromise.Let's give him your nose and give him my eyes.So, we punched in the required DNA,and when he was born, I can truly say,there was absolutely no surprise.
488. When I was being chased by that bee,I swear she had a photograph of me.And as she stung me near the eye,I heard her holler, "Yip! We got the right guy!"God, it’s no fun being your number one enemy.
489. On the night we fell in loveyou said, “Let’s go outside to count the stars above.”And after you’d counted twenty,you said, "Okay, that's probably plenty,"and I said, "Are you kidding! That's hardly any — sort of!"
490. Well, another 5th of July,a day to get ready to bury those who did fry.If they'd known, when lighting that shit,that losing their lives woulda been the consequence of it,they coulda taken the time to kiss their asses goodbye.
491. Last night, I killed me some sheep.Having to count them was keeping me from sleep.Tonight, I do battlewith a big herd of cattlethat somebody, I’m sure, has prayed the Lord to keep.
492. On a day when it no longer mattered,I said to the multitude glumly gathered,"It's of no use to pluck the day —see how the edges have rotted away —and momentarily, we're all just gonna be scattered."
493. The last time we sat down to discusswhat is likely to become of us,you said, "The next time we're in New York,we might take a little time out to pork,unless you see that as a minus — and not as a plus."
494. Hey asshole! That empty can of beer you threw on my lawn? —the one you put your filthy, syphilitic lips on?I picked it up and threw it in the trash —the same I'd do with your funky, fat ass in a flash —if I caught ya. Or should I deposit your face in an unflushed john?
495. Whenever the Count left town,the Countess was amenable to messing around.Quite often, she and the Baronhad a fun time sharin'the counting of opening the buttons of her evening gown — down.
496. When she used those big brown eyes to flirt with me,all I could do was smile at her sheepishly.And when she motioned, I nervously followed her out to the back,where she proceeded to push me down on a sackand where I, against all expectations, proceeded to bat 353.
497. When writing a new limerick proves to be way too hard,after about five minutes, I’m usually ready to discard.If I have to get in a fight with every wordand lose every nuance I would've preferred,I'd just as soon say, "Fuck it!" and let it be written by much better bard.
498. One day when you're old, sex will walk out the door.It will turn and wave, and you won’t see it anymore.But from time to time, at a town or a country fair,you may still espy its ghost among young people loitering there,beckoning you with the same allure — as of yore.
499. The doctor said to the preacher, "Good news!This is easy to fix with just a few screws.So please lie back on the gurney,and keep your eyes fixed on LVN Ernie,and I'll reattach these severed soles to your shoes.
500. If I were a fishI'd have only one wish —to elude every net and rodso as not to get caughtand end up on a fisherman's dish.
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