Limericks and such composed on my daily dog walks: verses 501-550

Note: Some of these verses lean left. If you lean right (which is completely cool, of course), you may not be totally happy with this site.
501. If my dog would just walk a straight line,we'd be home no later than nine.But there's so much to see between point A and point Z,that to him, getting home at ten is perfectly fine.
502. When I heard Hark, the angel, sing,I thought "Wow, what an amazing thing!”Hark could really bellow,as well as any great opera fellow, and knock off her socks and everything.
503. She said, "Oh, cry me a river!" But that was a pleasure I wasn't about to give her. I'd much rather burn her ass by saying something really crass. But I was afraid if I did, she'd punch out my liver.
504. I don't remember what I did, it's true,the day before I fell in love with you.I was probably attending the classof Professor Pendergrass,lamenting the fate of Romeo Montague.
505. On a walk, I saw a woman with a beard.She fixed her eyes on me and just stared.So, I decided to stare right back,whereupon she said, "What'd you staring at, Jack?"I said, "I was just wondering — do you think I look weird?"
506. He complained to the shrink, "This would never have occurredif I hadn't hooked up with that irrational bird."The shrink said, "Okay — if that's what you think.But what about all that other stinkyou got all over you from that pot of shit in which you stirred?
507. It's astounding the amount of sharp, broken glassthat I pick up on the sides of roads that my dog and I pass.I swear half America must be driving around drunk,throwing empty bottles out their windows in an alcoholic funk —a fine example of home-grown, patriotic, American class.
508. On a day I thought I was dying,it seemed I could hear the angels crying.They were so full of fearthat the Lord would call me up there,and that for His love I’d be vying.
509. Come to Papa, little rhyme.Why you hiding all the time?Please reveal yourself to me,and do a little more to help me bethe prime of the five-line boogie-chime.
510. When I run out of bones for my dog to chew,I head over to my good friend, butcher Lou.I say butcher Lou, what kind of bones you got?He says, "I got bones from an orc or a werewolf I shot.""Butcher Lou, my dog's not picky — either one will do."
511. My dog has a specific tree he loves to visit.He must think the peeing there is exceedingly exquisite —a thought probably shared by every other neighborhood dog, because the turf around that tree is always wet as a bog,which isn't too good for my pooch's paws, now is it?
512. For a limerick, it's not for the bestif two of the lines decide to go to east and three to go west.How do you convince these little mothersto go in the same direction as the othersand to quit screwing things up for the rest?
513. It was colder than the tits on a witch.It was colder than the balls on a son of a bitch.It was so cold that my baby brothergot only ice milk from our mother,and I was so cold ─ I wished to heaven we were rich.
514. There are some scenes I'd rather not seewhen I’m at home watching pornography.Do you have that too?That some scenes just make you go "Ew!"Or are you an aficionado of pornographic potpourri.
515. Eve and her Adam limericks - verses a. Do you remember that biblical scene of Eve and her Adam,and that serpent trying to sell that fruit stuff to the madame?I would rather have seen a scene with a proctorgiving Adam a speed course in how to be a doctor,so he could've helped Eve deliver those kids when she had 'em.
b. When God the story of Adam and Eve does tell,He names and narrates stories of the three sons pretty well.But He never bothersto name or say anything about Adam and Eve’s several daughters.Now why do you think that would that be, pray tell?
c. When you're talking about Adam and Eve, it's probably bestnot even to bring up the question of incest.The Bible has clearly shownthat so much of God's logic is unknown.So, let's just consider this question addressed..
d. Have you ever thought about what Eden might look like today?It's been a long time since God sent Adam, the tiller, away.And before you answer, calculate in Noah's flood,which killed every animal, together with every flower bud.So, Eden is likely an uninhabitable jungle today, wouldn't you say?
e. Adam's sin is often called the Fortunate Fall.And that's really a pretty accurate call.Because imagine, for heaven's sake —if Adam hadn’t fallen for the ruse of that snake,there wouldn't have been any need for Christianity at all.
f. Things in the garden didn't go so swell.In a split second, everything went to hell.From that eaten fruit to the first killing,what happened there was exceedingly chilling!Maybe that's why we remember it all so well.
h. What I find sad about the first few verses of Genesisis that Adam and Eve weren't taught what a game such as tennis is,If they coulda spent time playing a game,no matter how stupid or how lame,they mighta been too busy to piss off a God who banishes. i. When Eve saw her firstborn dead,what must've gone on in her unschooled head?In all her sorrow and in all her pain,what did she say to her secondborn, Cain?I wish the Bible would've had a more careful writer ─one who would’ve taken a little more time ─ to fully explain.
516. On a train, the superego, the ego, and the idsaw a beautiful woman on their way to Madrid.And at the first illicit thought, the superego said, "No!"And the ego said, "Oh?"And the id just did what the id always did.
517. I'm glad I don't have to pretend to bea poet with a deep philosophy.I readily admit, I'm just a borewith the facility to make people snore,which should make those with insomnia come flocking to me.
518. Remember the halcyon days?They were so great in so many ways ─much better than these dog days of summer ─where the heat makes people act dumber and dumber.Could you please pass the catsup and the mayonnaise?
519. The color of her hair was a mix of the mellowof a deep and very luscious yellow,and the boundless sereneof an intense Kelly greenlike that of the scarf of an elfish, Irish fellow.
520. Now limericks/versesa. If there was ever a time for now, I think you missed it somehow.But I’m sure I did mentionthat you should’ve been paying attention.Or is that something you’ll now disavow. b. They always tell you to live in the now. But I never cared for that expression somehow.Living in the presentcan often be quite unpleasant,as many a poet can avow.
521. I hate the coming of Lent.That's when the anonymous landlord raises the rent.And then I get so angry and crassthat, for weeks, I end up cursing his ass,only to have to go back to church every day to repent.
522. I would much rather than nottake a good, hard look at everything you got.And if it turns out to be too little,I'll probably be noncommittal.But certainly not if you got a lot.
523. I doubt I'll ever be a later-day saint,at least the way I'm going, I ain't.My craving for wine, women, and songis just so fricking strongthat even at eighty, I doubt I’ll be able to exercise any restraint.
524. I asked old Mrs. O'Learywhat she thought about string theory.She said, "I don't believe in such a thing,because it doesn't cover everything,and what it leaves uncovered can be pretty darn scary.
525. When you jumped into my mind,I touched your shoulder from behind.But when you turned around to see,I don't think you recognized me.So, I just said, "Sorry, never mind."
526. After you had me take off all my clothes from my head all the way down to my toes, I saw you ponder, and I heard you conclude, that I probably looked best ─ semi-nude. No, I don't think your saying that was all that rude.
527. If you could prove you’d found a lock of Jesus' hair,you’d probably be an instant billionaire.Or the grail from which He sipped;Or a fingernail He might have clipped;Or one of his sandals, which He wore just about everywhere.
528. To all the girls I loved before,who couldn't wait to whisk me out the door ─who, after a single, attempted kissexclaimed, "Oh please, no more of this!"Please know, Je t'aime encore!
529. I told her I wasn't gonna pray the price,just so Janette could treat me cold as ice.She said, "But what if I inform her ─to try to treat you just a little bit warmer?"I said, "Yeah ─ that would definitely be nice."
530. To be young again and have an ass like that!And a tummy without any trace of fat.And a face free of every wrinkle,and no need to constantly go tinkle.To be someone again ─ that anyone would love to look at.
531. Two tears for Melinda I shed,who sliced open her very own headto pull out the devilwho'd come there to revelwith the other demons she'd already met.
532. Oh, let me not thinkof the soiled dishes in the sink,and let me not positthe dirty secrets in my closet,or recall any of what brought me to this brink.
533. Take this poem with a grain of salt.An elephant got detained for adding injury to insult.He'd stepped on an ant,which the law says you can't.And asked why he did it, he did rant:"Because I was terrified ─ and felt totally outmanned."
534. When it came to rappin',the kid knew how to make it happen.The scenes of a dark apocalypsethat gushed forth from his stormy lipshad all the kids standing around clappin'.
535. I was well along in age,the day my brain finally broke out of its cage,when it was beguiledinto thinking like a child,and, for the first time, contemplated something sage.
536. The art teacher asked, "What color are you gonna paint that town?"I said, "I was thinking about painting it brown.""So not the usually red?""I was tempted," I said, "but I thought it would make my parish preacher frown."
537. When a tree fell in the forest with nobody there,it scared the shit out of Yogi the bear.So just imagine the sound it must've made,if it even made a fearless bear that afraid.So, if there's ever a question of whether there's soundwhen a tree falls in a forest with no one around,consider that question answered here─by Yogi the bear.
538. My character is not of the best.If I'm not number one on everyone’s list, I get dyspeptic and depressed.If I'm not chosen best in show,I get pretty pissy with everybody I know,and won't give acting like an asshole any rest.
539. When she got a good look at my feet,she beat a rather hasty retreat,exclaiming, "What's that yellow on your toes?Ooh, man, that really looks gross!No, I don't want anything to drink or to eat!"
540. At a point of no return,I saw some fallen angels burn.And from across the smoky abyss,I heard the voice of the devil hiss: “Don’t worry, you'll get your turn."
541. Most of what I writeisn't in the least bit erudite. I should learn to refrain from writing things this fricking mundane, if I ever wanna spend time in the poetic limelight.
542. A poem I wrote turned out to be a real dud,a simple little ditty on the subject of mud.I thought I'd made my meaning perfectly clear.But lots of critics disagreed with me there,saying my poem on mud was about as clear as a bucket of crud.
543. Today, when inspiration came,I was busy elsewhere, I must admit to my shame.So, if you're here today expecting a brand-new poem ─I’m sorry, but when it came, I wasn't at home.Yes, I know, a real poet would never do something this fricking lame.
544. "No, no, no, no, no!"said the bawd to the beau."You may be better looking,but that don't mean I'm cooking,or doing dishes ten days in a row.
545. The sister whom she missed the mostwas the sister who went to live with the mister from the Ivory Coast.So, when the Ivory Coast mister took that sisterback to visit the sister who exceedingly missed her,the missed sister was kissed by the sister who missed herall over, almost.
546. The day that Armageddon came,I thought the entire thing was kind of lame.Nothing but the noise and smoke of a fiery battle,and people, left and right, bloodily slaughter like cattle ─not much different really from any other mediocre computerized game.
547. Some days, I just can't get my ass out of bed.It's just too much trouble to re-screw on my headthat I unscrewed the night before,and thoughtlessly threw down to the floor,there, where the carpet turns from white to red.
548. The balls he had were just too big.We needed size 2 balls for this gig.So, we continued going from shop to shop,and though tired as hell, we didn't stoptill we found the right size balls at a place called Thingamajig.
549. I'm tired of the way the ball bounces,and of gaining pounds while only eating ounces,tired that for every one step forward, there's two steps back,and that my every glass is always half empty because of a perpetual crack,and tired of that asshole teacher who my name continually mispronounces.
550. I saw two dead men walking,and I heard them silently talking.They said, "This time the Lordhas gone way overboard,by forcing all of us ghosts to be stalking.