Limericks and such composed on my daily dog walks: verses 51-100
Note: Some of these verses lean left. If you lean right (which is completely cool, of course), you may not be totally happy with this site.
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51. I burned through a small fortune in the casino with Jack.How much? Of that I didn't really kept track.But at the casino, I did find me a queen,who gave me a really good time in betweenlosing my ass and the shirt off my back.
52. Trying to teach my dog a new trick hasn’t proven to be prudent.Perhaps, I'm just too lousy of a teacher, or he's too lousy of a student.I can show him a thousand times how to sit —he just doesn't want any part of it.And the more I insist, the more he becomes downright impúdent.
53. On a trip North with my best friend Alice,I fulfilled her wish to go see the Aurora Borealis.And the phenomenon so completely blew her away,that out of the blue, she reciprocally did say,"For showing me this, tomorrow night, I’m gonna show you how Debbie did Dallas"
54. Skip to my Lou, my darling,Give my Lou a good view, my darling.Let my Lou seejust how precious you can be,and what you wouldn't do for old Lou for a farthing.
55. I said, "If you really did adore me,you'd tumble for me."She said, "Well, I can't today,cuz I just tumbled for Jay,and it gave me a really sore knee.
56. He had a cobra tattooed on his armthat he tried to convince her he could charm.If she were to kiss him just a little bit stronger,she would feel his snake get longer and longer.But no worries. He promised it wouldn’t do her any harm.
57. I was sitting on the dock of the bay listening to a song,when Otis Redding happened to come walking along.He said, "You watching the ships roll in?"I said, "Yeah, and then watching ‘em roll away again."He said, "Some folks really seem to dig that shit. I think it’s pretty ho-hum."
58. My mother ─ for rhyme's sake let's call her Charlόtt ─always gagged at any mention of that slimy word "snot."Whenever any one of us kids spokeabout digging for a green, wet one, she'd just about choke,begging us to stop, which of course, we immediately did not.
59. I won a contest to go visit the lake isle of Innisfree.But I didn't wanna go, cuz there's nothing there I particularly wanna see.I hear there's just a clay-and-wattles cabinwith a bunch a bees a-blabbin'and nine rows of beans, and that doesn't really interest me.
60. “Today, we again failed to reproduce,”said the gander to the goose.“If we wanna keep up with the drake and the duck,we gotta do more than depend just on luck.We actually gotta let something hang loose.”
61. You know, I was never that impressedby the way the emperor dressed.So I guess you can suppose,that when he started traipsing around without any clothes,that's when I liked him the best.
62. It's difficult to place
where I left my last face.
Did I leave it in your lap
after taking that quick nap?
Or did I leave it in your narrow crawlspace?
63. No, I can’t say I ever knewthe one who flew over the cuckoo’s nest, did you?And it's probably all for the best,cuz, if we'd known him before his arrest,he might've gotten us to fly over the cuckoo’s nest, too.
64. "Et tu, Brute?"“Who me? No fucking way!This is yon Cassius’ gig.I said I didn't wanna do it, you dig?Now please ─ kindly turn your head ─ the other way.”
65. Sometimes when my dog is sleeping next to my chair,he can be the world champ at defiling the air.At times his toots are so lethalthat I fear that his doggy dieselmight cause an explosion right then and there.
66. So that I can go right to sleep,I always ask the Lord to count my sheep.And if I wake before I die,I count myself a lucky guy.
Amen.
67. Among the seventh-grade girls, the rumor got really loudthat Harry Long was very well-endowed.But then Clarissa confessed —she'd seen it, and she wasn't all that impressed,although she wasn't believed by any other girl in the crowd.
68. A cup, a saucer, and a spoonwere singing and dancing to a Disney Land tune,till their little gray mattergot so dizzy, they all went splatter,falling, head-first, down the stairs to their ruin.
69. I find it so effervescentto be able to freely explore your fertile crescent.I know my requests are incessant —I'm such a total adolescent. But thanks for being so acquiescent.
70. When I heard that the first would be last,*I was truly and completely aghast.So, I slammed on my brakeand let those behind me overtakemy future as I slipped into their past.* From Matthew 20:16 New International Version
71. Today,even the hills seem blue.Unhappiness isjust happinessbeing torn to shreds by you.
72. I once knew this guy named Lou Lenard.He was not only a great butcher, but also a great bard.Whenever he slit open a sow —I can still hear it now — him singing,"Mine eyes have seen the coming of the gory of the lard."
73. On our block, the biggest mother fletcherwas this bully of a girl named Bonnie Etcher.But we fixed her once and for allby throwing her a big, red balland then telling the pit bull to go fetch her.
74. Shit, fuck, damn!There's green slime on my fried eggs and ham!Call me confused,but I'm not at all amused!I thought this shit only happened with fried eggs and spam.
75. I'm always amazed at how well porn sells,with those gyrating bodies and their sex toys and gels.And all that crooning and crowingand the gooey end product showing!I'm just so happy porn comes without smells.
76. In pre-history, every once and a while,you could see a sated group of dinosaurs smile.But that usually happened onlyafter they'd been munching on something fleshy and bonyand had been lying around picking their teeth for a while.
77. When I reminded her that the Bible does tellto love not only yourself, but your neighbor as well,she said, "But Mister Tabor,you're not my neighbor,so, you can kindly go to hell!"
78. When you left, my sorrow was way too big.It was bigger than a whole pig.It was bigger than what God should've allowed —bigger than the darkest thundercloud.But today? — I no longer give a fig.
79. Like Napoleon, I was born.He led the French army ─ I made sure my sheep got shorn.And while I was covered in sheep's doo,he met his waterloo.And when on St. Helena he died,none of my sheep cried."
80. There's a Mrs. who misses you.It's not the Mrs. who kisses you.And you're unaware —or likely — don't even care —that the Mrs. who's missing youwould do anything again to be kissing you.
81. Here we are, finally at our loose ends,
with no more possibility for amends.
Our love's edges just got too frayed
for anyone to be able to come to our aide ─
no elf or fairy ─ who sews up, patches, or mends.
82. Strolling by the sundrenched shoreline,I saw a shark eat a friend of mine.I yelled, "Hey Mister shark!This is supposed to be a private park!Who invited you here to come dine?"
83. My favorite mode of transportationis to walk to the Brussels train station,buy some gum, get on the train,then ride all the way from Belgium to Spain,just because I like that chew-choo sensation.
84. I heard that it was a guy from Pamplonawho had an affair with that Florentine called Mona.Or was she from Pisa,and her name was really Lisa?Ah, my mind’s all a blur from drinking too much Corona.
85. I said to the laymen,
“God’s dead. Can I get an amen?”
“God’s not dead! How’d you get that in your head?
We just saw Him julienne ten thousand men
for worshipping idols behind Ezra pig pen.”
86. When the old saints came marching in, *on their wrinkled faces, I could detect a sly little grin.In the clinic, each one had been handed a little bag a’little blue pills commonly known as Viagra,that they were promised would make dem bones rise again.
* Play on the title of the old spiritual "When the saints go marching in"
87. The way that scene closesinvites a scrutinous diagnosis.For example, that fuzzy face ─it appears in more than one place ─with subtly different eyes and subtly different noses.
88. My dog is more stubborn than a paddock of mules.He runs around the house and breaks every one of my rules.But if I didn't just let him,it would greatly upset him,and the house would resound with his whines and his pules.
89. My wife is a mighty big fanof the neighborhood Good Humor man.His big stick is what she’s most eager to buy,although she'd also like to give his nutty buddy a try.But she sends me out for the purchase, because for that, she's way too shy.
90. As I watch you sleeping there,seventy years of hard living etched into your silver-gray hair,I feel my love for you as deeply and as muchas I did that night when you first let me touchyour exquisite beauty ─ here ─ there ─ and everywhere.
91. The first time you kissed me, it was such a shock,I literally saw time stop on the old kitchen clock.But before you take it as over-the-top flattery,let me say, it turned out to be just a dead battery,and once replaced, time started again with the same old tick-tock.
92. When I saw she had a wire loose,
I gave her a quick, little goose,
cuz I knew it she reacted,
nothing serious could've been impacted,
and fixing the wire could get her to produce more juice.
93. I dreamed I was drinking with Toulouse-Lautrec.We were downing glass after glass of orange triple sec.And quite drunk, he told me something that shocked me so.He said he'd eaten the ear of Vincent van Gogh!And then I awoke, with a wet bed sheet wrung around my neck.
94. In an art class about Johannes Vermeer,
the professor asked me something I found a little bit queer.
He said, "If you had been that girl,
would you have let him paint you with that pearl?"
I said, "Only if he had held me very, very dear."
95. I tried to reason with the Lady of Shalott,"Be content! Don't be so distraught!You may be jealous of the world of Lancelot and Guinevere —but let me tell you what’s about to happen there —they're about to lose everything they've got."
96. There are more nos then yeseswhen my wife goes out to try on new dresses.Each dress has to fit her just sothat only her best features show.And the rest she leaves up to wild-ass guesses.
97. When I saw the old waitress bend over,I could see all the way from Calais to the white cliffs of Dover.I could gaze across the entire English Channelthrough her undies of red and pink flannel,and quickly lost my appetite for my hot apple turnover.
98. My family wouldn't dare bury me in a grave.They know that I'd just misbehave.I'd party with all the germsand have sleepovers with the wormsand give the bacteria all that they crave.
99. This morning, the clouds looked orange and lavender gray.Scientists say it's pollution makes them look that way.Still, some people think it's real pretty to seeand aren't aware of the possibilitythat this beauty might kill them some day.
100. That kid at eleven before his first kissis the kid that I really, really miss.Every kid thereafterwas more tears than laughter,molding the world-weary cynic that this old man now is.
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