Limericks and such composed on my daily dog walks: verses 601-650

Note: Some of these verses lean left. If you lean right (which is completely cool, of course), you may not be totally happy with this site.
601. In the Bible, when a gang of boys jeered at a prophet who was bald,the prophet got so pissed, it made his very blood scald.And so he called down a curse on the boys in his prayers,and the Lord, upon hearing, sent forth two ferocious she bears,and forty-two of the boys were mauled. Anyone appalled?
602. The very best reason to cryis when you forget the square root of pie.But all you need to do to be happy again,is to calculate the square root of when ─just be sure you get it right on the very first try!
603. If you were a mole in a holewould the darkness take its toll?Or would everything still be all rightbecause you're so well acquainted with the night,and accustomed to the blackness in your soul?
604. One scary thing about living in Crystal Pointeis that no witch ever actually left there wheb told to aroint!So, my advice is ─ if you’re afraid of witchesand wanna avoid 'em for all the world's riches ─don’t move to Crystal Pointe, cuz the place is full of them pointy-chinned bitches.
605. If I wrote you a billet-douxwould you write me one too?And when exchanged, we could testwho people thought expressed her love the best.You hope it's me ─ I hope it is you.
606. Did you hear that love lost?It tried to win at all cost.But sadly, it went down to defeat when the other side decided to cheatby leaving all of its i’s undotted and all of its t’s uncrossed.
607. When I was still smoking two packs a day,struggling every morning to try to hack the phlegm away,my wife would get down on her knees and beg me to quit ─that's how afraid she was I was gonna die from that shit.And so I'd say, "For you, Honey, anything, okay? ─ Just not today.”
608. When I saw Dilly dally,I thought, "Oh no, this kid's got to rally!Cuz if he loses this race,it'll be a total disgrace,cuz this race was right up his alley.
609. Nothing makes me go into a greater fitthan, when walking my dog, I step in another dog's shit.I wish a law could be createdso that when jerks who don't pick up their dog’s shit are locatedyou can rub their fucking noses in it!
610. It's as easy as 1-2-3for a bear to crawl up the butt of a bee.Easy as 1-2-3?How can that possibly be? Because, my dear girl ─ can’t you see?Anything’s possible in poetry!
611. I can’t believe this guy!He just tried to pick the apple of my eye!I said, "Are you serious?You think she would want you? That's hilarious!”Two weeks later, guess who I saw walking by.
612. Can I give you a hickey?You don't know what it is? So look it up in a wiki.And when you are through,I'll ask again of you.Can I give you a hickey? Or do you think it a little bit icky?
613. I love the feeling of a gigantic sneeze ─that tickling in my nose is such a tease.Then ─ one big achoo ─propelled right at you ─ and when you scream bloody murder, I say ─ "I aim to please."
614. I'm unique.I'm not like any other geek.I'm a different kind of crazy,I’m not just some plain-Jane common daisy.I exude my own mystique, so to speak.
615. When the angels get bored in heaven,they all make a booze run to 7-11. Then they schedule a private roomin which to consumetheir rum and coke ─ and their bourbon and seven.
616. Have you ever heard of Mary Magdalene? She was the sweetest little thing. She was really good friends with Jesus ─ washed his feet and bought him wine and cheeses. And some think they might’ve even had a fling.
617. The problem with eisegesisis that you tear Bible verses to piecesin an effort to make of the Bible and its glorya subtlety different storywith the hope that people's faith in your god increases.
619. Here's a poem that will get you to thinking.Half the people arrested swore they weren’t' drinking.If the total arrested is dividedby a number we decided,how many of ‘em are guilty of unequivocal hoodwinking?
620. She exuded such a Pacific air ─dark brown tan and naturally blond hair ─and a bikini so teenyit barely covered her mcweeney,and made eyes from everywhere stare.
621. At a poetry reading in Montereya poet got on stage and said she had nothing to say.So the audience went ballistic,and some even got pugilistic,till authorities came and took their poetry away.
622. With just a little idea, they sayyou can blow the world away.Just think of Alfred Nobelwho worked out his idea so well,it's still blowing the world away ─ today.
623. When you walk on the surface of Mars,and you look up at the distant stars,you might just see the Martian Big Dipperfiddling with his zipperand pulling his pants up to hide the crack of his arse.
624. She drunkenly slurred, "My boobs taste sweeter than a plum."I said, "Drunk or not, that really sounds dumb.That's like me saying, 'My petertastes better than licking whipped cream off an eggbeater.'Would you mind pouring me a bit more of that rum?"
625. Of my poem, she said it was "cute,"probably because she totally misunderstood.She couldn't fathom the very deep meaningwith which my short, pithy poem was teeming,from the very first syllable to the very last foot.
626. Hell limericks / verses a. Just saying,if my fate, that in Your hands You are weighing,is to be sent down to hell,oh well!For that, everybody around me has forever been praying. b. Today went really well.I scored me a ticket to hell.At first, they said they were overbooked.But then they found some seats they'd overlooked.And I get to sit next to my buds, William and Tell. c. Some people think I'm obsessed with hell.I wonder, how can they tell?I don't really believe in that stuff, half or whole.I think I'm destined to go down to Sheol,and totally bypass Lucifer, Beelzebub, and the rest of their hot clientele. d. I think I would prefer Hades to Hell,although I probably wouldn't like either place all that well.But at least in Hades I'd only have to get used to the shadies,whereas in Hell, I'd be perpetually barbequed like a gazelle.
627. I said to my doggy, "Hey, you!Don't you be chewing my shoe.You're about as bad as the cat,who yesterday shat spatin the stew of Madame Magoo ─ ew!
628. Someone hung a "For Sale" sign on heaven's door.God isn't selling ─ just charging a little more.So when the rich arrive and pull out their cash,they’re promptly let in to join the heavenly bash.But the cashless poor? They’re totally done for.
629. As for her hair, can you make it red?And her eyes, blue? ─ no make them brown instead. And the rest of her face ─ can you make it be of an angel's grace? and her body ─ like that of a young, Irish hothead!
630. Some scholars say my oeuvre of workshows the hand of an incompetent jerk,because it has no hint of a poetical system.Little do they know,I write for the average Joe,who appreciates poems made up of easy-to-understand, everyday, folk wisdom.
631. I once heard a little girl in Cubaplay heavenly sounds on a big-ass tuba.She would play that thingand make the birdies singfrom old Havana all the way to Aruba.
632. No, I don't carethat you cut and bleached your hair.Yeah, it looks all right,perhaps a little too white.But just wish you hadn't cut and bleached your hair there.
633. My ex was a much sweeter lass.Unlike you, she never got a burr up her ass!Not that she was flawless ─she too could act pretty damn lawless.That's why I finally ended up having to dump her ass, alas.
634. A girl with the dick as big as a horsewas arrested for anti-social intercourse.But the judge let her go,saying everybody ought to knowthe 1st amendment, at its source, protects just about any kind of intercourse.
635. These days, my wife and I don't do overly much.As you know, we're retired and such.No, not even that anymore ─ very much.Yep, I still think she's the nonpareil of the nonesuch.Sure, I'll let her know ─ next time we’re in touch.
636. The only dogs with whom my dog will converseare dogs who are deeply steeped in doggy verse.And they'll sit there all day and reciteevery doggy joy and every doggy plightthey've experienced so far in their dog-eat-dog universe.
637. I made her pay dearly for breaking my heart.I took all her phones, both land line and smart;and her brand-new computer,and her mobility scooter,so she can neither face-time nor visit her new love in Mart.
638. In a painting by a descendant of Renoir's,you're depicted as one of the celestial stars.And every night, a little past eleven,I see you shining brightly in heaven,as you point the way to my favorite bars.
639. In a dream, I was killing two birds with one stone.And it kinda looked like I wasn't alone.As I turned and looked all around,I saw a red mess of dead birds on the ground,and I felt a bitter chill, right to the bone.
640. If I were dead, where would I be?Where does one start on eternity?At the beginning? Or more to the middle?Or perhaps, left of forever a little?Or at the intersection betwixt and between the pre- and the post-me?
641. I couldn’t believe I'd seen what I saw.So, I looked again, and what I saw was my pa,crossing a buzzingly busy streeton his hands instead of his feet,as an ecstatic crowd oohed and aahed in awe.
642. What I saw on the internet?A giraffe and an elephant lying in bed.And the giraffe was showing her spunkby fiddling with the elephant's trunk,as he played connect-the-dots with the spots on her head.
643. Most months, my favorite color is maroon,and those are, counting backwards, the months from April to June.But for the month of May,my favorite color is gray,because that's the month you dumped me for that jackass, looney tune.
644. When that FBI guy signaled me to stop,I thought to myself, "Oh Top!Probably another special Op,ordered by the brass on the topwho really never know when to stop!"
645. My heart limericks / verses a. The woman who lit my heart on firemade my future love life pretty damn dire.These days, when my sooty heart pumps,you hear a series of distinct clumpity-clumps,which isn't a great sound to attract the kind of women I desire.
b. Lately, the door to my heart's gotten so creakythat a new love, who might wanna enter, could find it a little bit freaky.So, I've made an appointment with Doctor Doyleto see if he can apply a little door-hinge oiland also try to find out why my bleeding heart’s gotten so leaky. c. Be still, my heart, be still.*Didn't I just give you a calm-down pill?So quit your racing and your thumping,your crazy fluttering and your creepy pumping.What's gonna be next? A complete and total standstill?* Play on the title of a poem by A. E. Housman
646. He said, "Can we do it today?"She said, "Today? We're not even halfway!"He said, "But because today we managed to rhyme,I thought it might be okay to do it ahead of time."She said, "No way. No dessert till you're done with the entree."
647. When you're walking in a storm, don't hold your head up high!It’s too dangerous with winds swirling and lightning splitting the sky.So, get that stupid club song out of your head,and go find safety under an overhang or in a shed!And don't let bad advice be the reason that you die.
648. I'm at the entrance of you,and I don't know what to do.I don't know where to beginto try to find my way inwithout making an indelicate miscue.
649. I went to a party thrown by two friends, there and then.I went with two other friends named where and when.And as I'm standing there flirting with a barfly,up walks this totally tipsy guy named why,asking me where and when there and then had gotten back together again.
650. When I pulled the puppet by its string,it made its little dicky spring.Who would make a puppet this obscene, and dare hang it in the girls' latrine, except that bad-ass Josephine?
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