Limericks and such composed on my daily dog walks: verses 800-848

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801. Let bygones be bygones, my Dear.And let's finish the last of this beer.And while the old, white moon gapes,let's traipse, like two wild apes,haply into a phosphorous New Year.
802. Did we ever find out who was the onewho cocked Uncle Alex's single-shot gun,and shot his wadwhile singing what sounded like an orgiastic aubadeto the slowly rising, New-Year’s-Day sun?
803. We were only Magi from the East,who, at the time, knew nothing of a Christmas feast.A luminous star sent us looking for a new king,but all we found was this scrawny looking thing,who didn't look like a king in the least.
804. When I walk my dog, one thing that doesn't give me a kickis when he bends his head down in the grass and intensely starts to lick.What I think he's imbibing,I'll refrain from describing,because I don't want to make anyone sick.
805. I don't share your belief in an eternal hereafter.I don't think I'll ever hear any heavenly laughter.Although it may very well be,those already there are right now laughing at me,thinking that they've never seen anyone dafter.
806. One wish I wish I could fulfill for youis that your face could look forever new. Because for every new wrinkle that you see, you sink into such a deep misery, that you make yourself forever blue
807. If I thought you wouldn't be embarrassedor feel just a little bit harassed,I'd grab you by the ass,which I haven't done since ─ what? ─ 20 years ago, Saint Michael's Masswhen I was still a young seminarist.
808. The wolf pup wasn't hungry in the least,as her parents made her sit down to a feastof a fawn they'd just killedwhose young heart hadn't quite stilled,and whose brown eyes were fixed in a gaze so starkly triste.
809. Beware of a bear with no hair,like the one you see over there.You may think he’s smiling to charm you,but he's here only looking to harm you,by trying to steal your warm coat to wear.
810. When someone says, "A pox on both your houses!"imagine the anger that that arouseson the side that surely thinksthat it's only the other side that stinksand has the world's ugliest spouses.
811. She's as pretty, as they say, as they come.But where the hell did she come from?Did she come from the North,where they hug and kiss, and so forth?Or did she come from the East,where they let it all hang out at each feast?Or did she come from the West,where they do everything like this the best.Or did she come from the South,where they just do it, and then tell you to shut your mouth?She's as pretty, as they say, as they come.But where the hell did she come from?
812. Hope you know — you're the greatest love of my life,way greater, I’d say, than my lovely, second wife.You're my Mrs. the Third,who gave me the most precious "yes" wordI’d ever heard.
813. I had an excruciating itch that I just couldn't scratch.It was right there in the middle of my snatch,just as I started doing a lucrative livestreamfor a company selling a new anti-itch cream,and the critique was — I gave my presentation with too much dispatch.
814. Billy, Bop, and Bettysat down to three big bowls of spaghetti.Then there was a knock on the door,and in walked four more.So, Billy, Bop, and Bettygot three more bowls of spaghetti ready?
815. The challenge was to burn a candle at both ends.Those are the kind of silly games played between two friends. And when the flames came racing towards the middle, the dare was — be the last to douse the flames with a piddle. And then our toes almost got fried, and then we almost died.
816. The latest news that I gotabout you and whatnot,really left me cold ─because I'd already been toldthat you sold all that you got ─ to the devil and whatnot.
817. You used to be so full of vitality,almost to the point of abnormality.Every day, you'd to go twice around the blockand leave everyone in shock,especially when you took the car ─ for practicality.
818. Do you know why elephants can't fly? Because they could bump a jumbo jet right outta the sky. That's why God in all His wisdom and might made these animals incapable of easy flight ─ to the elephant poachers' great delight.
819. I want my dog at all times to feel freeto sniff at anything that he might see.But when he sniffs at a lady’s crotch,I don't really like it all that much,because I don't think it's really that pc.
820. The wish I made upon that starhasn't come close to coming true thus far.Do you think I should wish upon another?Or do you think I shouldn't even bother,cuz making the same wish upon more than one star is just too bizarre?
821. I overheard two characters thinking ─one about regret, the other about a maiden's pinking.Whether they knew one another, I cannot say,although one looked at the other, while the other looked away.And as one soaped lipstick off an empty glass, the other kept on drinking.
822. I told my teacher I didn't want to competeagainst those know-it-alls, Jill, Beth, and Margriet.I didn't want to give it all that I had,just so I could feel stupid and badby getting so thoroughly beat.
823. Imagine ─ if it had never occurred,if that crazy guy hadn't killed the writer of "The Word,"the one who said the word he was thinking of ─have you heard? ─ the word is love.Imagine if he hadn't died right there ─ in front of his shell-shocked bird.
824. I admit, for me, your face is an unmitigated disaster.It's a beautiful one, but one that I can never quite master.Each time I try to paint your face,I find I have to immediately eraseeach feature and then every feature that I paint thereafter.
825. There's so much shit in my headI'm contemplating building a mental storage shed that I can pitch all the shit in, so when it's time for the real thinking to begin, my thinking won't be so easily misled.
826. When God looks down from heaven, what do you think He sees?Mankind as we see us, or mankind as just a disease ─an unintended byproduct of creationthat's slowly leading to the ruinationof an earth He created primarily for the birds and the bees?
827. Some poets fill their poems with so much knowledge,to understand them you have to have had up to 10 years of college.I just flatly refuse to write that kind of shit,because, frankly, there just ain't no market for it,as any poetry publishing house will readily acknowledge. “Seriously, does anyone today still read Eliot or Pound?”“Perhaps, if they’re on an island and it’s the only stuff around.Or if, God forbid, they have to take a modern poetry class,where they’re forced to read The Waste Land or The Cantos, alas.”“But for pleasure, I mean, or for edification ─or to experience even an ounce of literary gratification ─does anyone today still read Eliot or Pound?”“Only if in their heads, brains don’t abound.”
828. Our love was about a third of the way to its end.But how could we have known that, my friend? So, we kept going merrily along,thinking that nothing could ever go wrong,till our love was about a third of the way from its end ─ my friend.
829. After making love to Beth,I was completely out of breath.What she did to my toolwas too cool to be cruel,and might’ve caused a weaker man's death.
830. I'm sitting on needles and pins,waiting till the next performance begins ─my older sister and brother ─in the role of my father and mother ─in an updated skit about our family's sins.
831. Gender limericks / versesa. Some people aren't too sure about transgenders in women's sports.What if their thingy falls out of their shorts?And if they get an erection,how will they prevent its detection?These kinds of stupid questions get them all out of sorts.
b. Some Christians aren't very tenderwith teens who question their gender.They say, "Read the Bible and behave.Your gender illusions are just the devil’s delusions.Make do with the parts that God gave."
c. Transitioning from a man to a woman or from a woman to a man ─some swear by the Bible that nobody can.But what am I to the Bible,or what’s the Bible to me?I'll be the gender ─ damn it ─ that my mind and body tell me to be.
832. On an early dog walk, I see winter mist rise over the houses,and I wonder ─ how many partners are still snuggled up in bed with their spouses?Or how many will soon be awaking, sad and alone,with first-things-first ─ the grabbing of their telephone,hoping and praying for a message that arouses?
833. If these old walls could talk, their mouths would probably be full of asbestos and caulk. But let’s say these walls could speak about what they'd seen and heard ─ could one really trust even one single word? Or would it all just be scuttlebutt and poppycock?
834. Forever ─that’s a very long endeavor.I'd love to make it a little shorter ─but that's a mighty tall order ─for anyone essaying to sever ─ even a sliver ─ off of forever.
835. I never touched her but in love,though sometimes I wanted to slap her silly.And what Pennsylvanian friends have said to me often enough is that that's only to be expected from a girl born and raised in Philly.
836. Her words couldn't've been any sweeter,as she gently grabbed me by my peeter,and eased the catheter in.She said, "See ─ no big deal ─and any sec now, you should feelthe release of the pressure begin.
837. A guy who seemed like he weighed a tonwas bathing in the nude in the hot, afternoon sun.To me, he looked a lot like an elephant seal,with just a little less sex appeal,although he had a good-looking hon ─napping with her head lying on his suntanned bun.
838. I have no fear that I may cease to be. *It actually sounds pretty damn appealing to me.To get to go on a long journey without having to pack,and not having to worry about when and how to get back.That's the very definition of something heavenly to me. * Silly echo of title of John Keats' poem "When I have fears that I may cease to be."
839. First ─ every day to school ─then ─ every day to work.Then, every day in retirement ─home with this big ol' jerk.
840. I never claimed I was God's gift to anyone.For that, He created the sun ─ and the moon and the stars ─ and Cuban cigars ─ and the 12-inch hotdog bun.
841. I hate the sound of silence.Too long, and it makes me slowly go insane.I hate the sound of silence.To me it feels as bad as any hurtless pain.
842. On our walk, my dog and I found a severed head.So, we were pretty sure the poor doll was dead. And a little later, we found her bodice with a string that, when I pulled it, still made her sing a garbled swan song of unquenchable regret.
843. At the florist's, the flowers that I liked the bestwere the two tiny red roses pinned to the florist’s pink vest. And I don’t need to mention that they were drawing all my attention away from her larger than average size breasts chest.
844. Nearly the end of March, and it's still colder than shit.Every warm-blooded person I know is so damn sick of it. Why can’t the globe heat up by another 1.5 degrees so I don't have to be walking my dog in this virtual deep freeze? Mr. Exxon and Mr. Shell ─ can you take care of it please?
845. “Well, come!”“Okay.”“You know you're always welcome.”“Thanks.”“You're welcome.”
846. Baby, please don't beg me to stay.There're too many rats in the place where I wanna play.And the vermin keep squirming,as they hear your angry God's censorious sermon,and I don't wanna be fucking dealing with that all day.
847. In his gospel, Matthew says you can buy two sparrows for a penny; in his gospel, Luke says you can buy five sparrows for two.If I gave you a dime to buy me the most sparrows, Jenny,would you get more if Matthew or if Luke bought them for you?
848. If I’d realized he was about to lose his fight,I woulda held on to him a little longer with all a' my might.As the vet administered the lethal dose,and I saw his sweet eyes slowly close,I stroked his head and wished him an eternal good night.
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